(As of this recording, Barnaby has not seen the movie. Also recorded at 1 a.m.-ish. Also all the spoilers)
BARNABY: Okay, Steve, let’s try to make this as semi-coherent as possible. I mean, you can go wherever, and I’ll probably believe you cuz I haven’t seen the movie, but let’s at least try to start at the beginning, ‘kay? Okay. Why should every dungeon master watch Aquaman?
STEVE: Well, see the structure of the movie is built like they were writing it at a D&D table. And also, it’s fucking bonkers. Just like a D&D game. A good one at least. But yeah, in the beginning they give the character his backstory to explain why he’s special-
BARNABY: Aquaman?
STEVE: Yeah, Aquaman. Because every-Well most characters in a D&D game are there because their special or they at least have some kind of backstory that ties in to the overarching plot. Not always but it streamlines the story, gives characters a reason to be involved.
BARNABY: Because we’re all super special snowflakes with grand, overarching destinies. As is the case in real life.
STEVE: Some of us more than others. Definitely not us though.
BARNABY: Definitely not.
STEVE: So yeah, you’ve got these establishing scenes that set up Aquaman’s backstory, Atlantis, his mom. And it also establishes a conflict between Aquaman and Atlantis, cuz his mom had to go back to keep him safe. So right there you’ve got character creation: Origin-his dad banged a super mermaid-, central character conflict-he misses his mom-, and explanation for why he’s special-good genes.
BARNABY: And a dope beard.
STEVE: Agreed. And then you’ve got your initial adventure that tests out the character and what they can do. Here it’s Aquaman going after a submarine, fighting pirates. He kicks ass, but also kills one of the pirates’ father. Who happens to be Black Manta. Aquaman leaves the one guy to die-
BARNABY: Y’know, lately that’s become a real problem. Murder by inaction is a thing. Talking to you, Batman.
STEVE: Yeah but Aquaman’s not set up like Batman by any means. He will straight up murder the bad guys.
BARNABY: Oh. Good for him. Taking a stance.
STEVE: Yeah if I had to give Aquaman an alignment…Chaotic good. I mean he’s stupid, but he’s a good guy. And I’m not talking crap about the guy. I mean it just might be me, but they kind of give him the Goku-complex, where they make him dumb but powerful. Except, and I gotta respect this, Aquaman’s totally aware of it. He makes fun of himself, along with everybody else. Everybody’s like, “You’re too stupid to be king, you’re too stupid to be king.” But then at the end they’re like, “Guess what? You’re king.” And he’s like, “That’s great…but I’m too stupid to be king.” It’s all very self-aware. But not really in a mean way. More like the narrative emphasizing that being a great warrior and a great king are two different roles that necessitate entirely different skill sets. Aquaman’s naturally good at being one but-Oh, wait, I jumped ahead a little bit.
BARNABY: A little bit?
STEVE: So Aquaman leaves Black Manta to die. This establishes a villain. The mid-boss. And usually the mid-boss is the one that has the major personal connection with the main PC. But you also need a party. So hot chicks suddenly start coming out of the ocean. The redhead…what’s her name…?
BARNABY: Johnny Depp’s ex-wife?
STEVE: Yeah, something like that.
BARNABY: That’s her name. Johnny Depp’s Ex-Wife. JD-EW for short. (Google) Her name’s Mera, played by Amber Heard.
STEVE (mildly annoyed): Uh-huh. But back to Black Manta. After the inciting adventure, you find out that he’s working for an even greater villain. That’s Orm. Aquaman’s brother. He’s trying to becoming the high king of Atlantis after his father just died- (Barnaby raises hand)-Uh, yeah?”
BARNABY: So Aquaman’s mom left his dad and then went back to Atlantis to have the king’s kid? Because Orm’s…the younger brother, right?
STEVE: Yeah, Orm’s the younger brother. But she’s also been exiled by the time of the main story. Though mostly everybody, including both her sons, think she’s dead-Another question?
BARNABY (yawning): No, no, just stretching and patting the couch.
(We’re sitting on a couch. It’s brown. Because details matter.)
STEVE: So back to Aquaman. He’s been mentored by Green Goblin, also the tranny from the Boondock Saints, who’s been teaching him all his life how to fight and use his powers. He’s the one who sent the girl, the redhead…?
BARNABY: Amber Heard.
STEVE:…Yeah. Her. She comes up to get Aquaman. She’s also a sorcerous. This helps when Atlantis attacks. Because of reason. But see, Aquaman didn’t want to go to Atlantis. He doesn’t give two craps about Atlantis. But then they go ahead and attack the surface world, forcing him to get shit done. It’s kind of like when you’ve got a stubborn player who doesn’t want to involve their PC in the story. You’ve kind of gotta have the story kick them in the nuts.
BARNABY: Been there.
STEVE: So Aquaman visits Atlantis and meets the big bad, Orm. The guy who’s trying to unite all the kingdoms of the sea. If he does that, he can become the ocean master and use seven kingdoms’ worth of armies to attack the surface world. But then Aquaman shows up as the rightful heir to the throne.
BARNABY: Why?
STEVE: Why what?
BARNABY: He’s not the king’s son. Even if he’s the oldest son, that’s on the queen’s side. The king’s the one who just died, so shouldn’t it be Orm, his son, who gets the throne, no questions asked?
STEVE:…So Orm challenges Aquaman to a duel. Aquaman agrees because he’s stupid, not taking into account that he hasn’t actually fought other warriors who have experience fighting underwater. So he gets his ass kicked. So then he has to run away with Amber Heard-
BARNABY: Mera.
STEVE:…………………Yes. Her. So we’ve got two villains who want Aquaman dead. Black Manta, the mid boss, and Orm, the big boss. But it has been established that there is another way to beat Orm. And this is the McGuffin. The object that’s driving the plot, and here it’s a trident from the old, old, old, old king of Atlantis, Aquaman’s grandpa. And whoever wields this trident is deemed the true ruler of the ocean. Basically saying “fuck you” to Orm. And this sets up the rest of the movie. The quest for this trident. He goes up against Black Manta again, who’s upgraded, beats him, and there goes the mid boss.
BARNABY: Just like that?
STEVE: Yeah, well, he kicks ass for a bit but then goes down like a little bitch.
BARNABY: Oh. So he’s the Boba Fett of this movie.
STEVE: What do you have against Boba Fett?
BARNABY: Besides the armor, what reasons do I have to actually like Boba Fett, Steve?
STEVE (questioning our friendship): So then Aquaman finds out that Black Manta’s been working for Orm the entire time, because he was using freaking Atlantian tech. So everything’s connected-
BARNABY: They jump out of a plane in the desert, right?
STEVE: Yeah, Aquaman and Mera jump out of a plane.
BARNABY: How do they survive?
STEVE: They’ve got superpowers.
BARNABY: They just land. Simple as that. Nobody gets hurt?
STEVE: Yeah…I mean, they landed in sand.
BARNABY: Okay…Sweet, soft sand-
STEVE: It’s softer than concrete.
BARNABY:…That is a fact. Can’t argue with you there.
STEVE: Anyway, that’s where Aquaman and Mera find one of the final clues to find this lost area, a kingdom. So they go from there and onto a fishing boat in the middle of the ocean and they’re attacked by these mutated fish men. Meanwhile Orm’s gathered most of his forces, but he still needs the crab people to join him-
BARNABY (singing): Crab people, crab people!
STEVE: Exactly. So he needs to get the crab people so he can launch a war. All the while Aquaman is going down into this abyss, being chased by legions of these fish people. But guess who’s there to help out. His mom. But in the long run, she doesn’t really matter to the plot of the movie. Her being alive just kind of resolves Aquaman’s mommy issues, grants him a boon.
BARNABY: What’s a boon?
STEVE: A boon can be anything really. It’s something that keeps the character motivated, or gives them more motivation to keep going on. So getting the McGuffin, the trident in this case, is a boon. But meeting up with his mom is also a boon for Aquaman, at least for his personal arc.
BARNABY: Because before now, Aquaman didn’t really give a shit. Before meeting his mom at least.
STEVE: Especially since his mom is like, to Aquaman and Mera, “Yeah, you guys would make a great couple. You’re gonna be his queen. But that’s later. Right now, son, this next trial you’ve gotta do alone.” Because his mom has tried to get the trident but she’s failed. But she’s stayed alive this entire time by disguising herself as a fish man. Or woman, whatever.
BARNABY: Okay. Sounds like somebody who’s got her priorities straight.
STEVE: So Aquaman goes in and finds the trident but it’s basically being guarded by an elder god. Like he’s an ant compared to just its tentacle. It’s fucking huge. It’s talking to him, basically telling him to back the fuck off, but it doesn’t realize that he can understand what it’s saying. Because he has superpowers.
BARNABY: And nobody else can?
STEVE: No he has a unique ability.
BARNABY: Yeah?
STEVE: He can talk to fish.
BARNABY:…Why?
STEVE: Because he’s Aquaman.
BARNABY: But shouldn’t his mom be able to speak to fish too?
STEVE: No.
BARNABY: Why?
STEVE: It’s like one of those recessive genes that’s passed down, skips generations. But the former king that wielded the trident could talk to fish. So the movie basically weaponized the “Talking to fish” joke as a special power. And this lets the elder god know, “OMG, you can understand me. But I’m still gonna kill your ass if you can’t wield the trident.” But it doesn’t really matter, cuz he gets the trident and it turns out that he really is the chosen one!
BARNABY: Chosen one!
STEVE: I’m coming!
BARNABY: Chosen one!
STEVE: I’m coming.
TOGETHER: Sigh…Kung Pow is good.
STEVE: So Aquaman gets the trident and he’s like, “ Yeah, I got the power!” And for some reason, when he gets the trident he also gets magic armor. The orange armor. It magically appears. It proves that he’s the chosen one.
BARNABY (whispers): I’m coming…!
STEVE: So Orm basically takes the power of the ocean master by force, even though the crab people are still rebelling against him. But then Aquaman comes up and he’s like, “Hey, everybody, I’ve got all these fish people who everybody thought were dead. Y’know, these mutated fish people that nobody could control. But I can. Because I can talk to fish.” All while he’s riding the elder god kraken-thing. This giant crab-horse-octopus. He’s like an ant riding an elephant. Not even exaggerating.
BARNABY: No, no, I believe you.
STEVE: But it doesn’t really matter because it all really boils down to another duel between Aquaman and Ocean Master. But this time it’s Aquaman’s turn to kick ass, show how much he’s grown. But, so, long story short: Aquaman wins, Orm is defeated and gets sent to prison, and everybody’s like, to Aquaman, “ Hey, stupid, you’re gonna become king.” And Aquaman’s like, “GREAT!”
BARNABY: And then what?
STEVE: Well, uh, that’s basically the movie right there. I mean, Aquaman’s parents get back together after…To be honest, I kind cared more about them getting together than anything else. So that made me happy.
BARNABY: Awe. Good for Mr. and Mrs. Aquaman’s Parents.
STEVE: So yeah. That’s basically the breakdown of the movie. But the key elements you need to take away from it, as a DM, especially if you wanna replicate it as a D&D campaign, is that you have a structure that sets up the villains, McGuffin, and a quest. You establish the McGuffin as a legend that then turns out to be true. And even after, Aquaman’s like, “No, that’s just a story my mom told me.” And they’re like, “No you gotta find it cuz you’re special.” And he’s like, “No, I’m stupid-”
BARNABY: It really seems like Aquaman has a lot of self-esteem issues despite being Jason Mamoa. I feel like being Jason Mamoa would solve most of your problems.
STEVE: Yeah, he honestly does a good job here. Like he’s got swagger without being an outright douche. I’d be his friend.
BARNABY: There you have it, folks. To be a great DM you need to want to be Jason Mamoa’s friend.
(And after that we kind of got sidetracked playing Smash Bros on Switch until 3 in the morning)
GRADE: B+
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