Really surprised when she left me the next morning.
Let me explain to you something about the magic ring I was wearing. In addition to making it so I don’t need any food or water, it also makes it so I only need about two hours of sleep per night. But just because you only need two hours, doesn’t mean that you won’t happily sleep more. So it was that night. I woke up a couple times that night to find her still sleeping, her head on my chest. Seeing this, I contentedly fell back asleep.
I was awoken that morning by the sound of wings. Samantha wasn’t where she had been. I got up in time to see Courage flying up into the sky with her on its back. I watched for several minutes as they ascended into the sky. After I could no longer see them, I took stock of the campsite. She had left me my messenger bag, the stuff I had inside the bag and my violin.
I didn’t even see what was stalking up to my camp until it reached the edge of a clearing. By then, it was too late. When I saw that massive beast, all teeth and claw and muscle, I knew I was done for. I froze. I couldn’t run. I couldn’t scream. Hell, I couldn’t even piss my pants since I hadn’t consumed anything in months. Part of my brain snapped. I did the only thing that came to mind.
I closed my eyes, denying what was about to happen. Then, I sang. “I’m not even angry. I’m being so sincere right now. Even though you broke my heart and killed me.” I heard the beast begin charging and tensed up in preparation for my impending demise.
A few moments later, somehow unharmed, I slowly opened one eye. Standing between the beast and myself was a figure in intricate armor made from what I later learned was dragon scales. She(yes, she…it’s apparently my fate to be constantly saved by beautiful women) was wielding the biggest hammer I’ve ever seen. I mean, if you were to take this thing to a county fair, you wouldn’t need to ring the bell to win a prize. Just lifting it would get you the giant teddy bear.
She made short work of the beast with a powerful yet somehow graceful strike with her hammer. Afterwards, she turned to me. “Who are you and what are you doing here?” she demanded.
With all the eloquence I could muster, I replied. “I. Uh. Bwuh?” Then I fainted. Because I’m a brave man.
When I awoke, I was in a clean and elegant room in a city of some kind. My things were on a table across the room from the bed where I lay. After a time, a gentleman of approximately middle age entered the room. I quickly noticed that he wasn’t human. He was, in fact, an elf. His ears were pointed like Samantha’s but were more pronounced. He asked me about myself and how I had come to Castrovel.
I considered lying to him, but decided to be honest. I told him everything, much as I’ve told you here. He just listened until I finished. When I was done telling my story, he offered his sympathy and told me that there was a wizard in town who might be able to help me get home. Considering I had just been dumped, I figured might as well go visit the family, so I asked him to take me to the wizard.
At some point during the conversation, I realized that I was speaking and understanding his language. Now, I don’t mean like I did with that spell Samantha had cast on me, where everything translated into English automatically as I spoke. I mean that I was literally speaking a language that I somehow knew, even though I had never taken the time to learn it. And this wasn’t the only language I had somehow picked up. Somehow I knew at least four languages in addition to English. None of them were languages from home. Damn. So much for an easy A.
It took a few days to set up an appointment with the wizard, so I spent that time learning a bit about the culture of my hosts. The gentleman I had spoken to was some sort of public official. Something like a minister. I forget the exact word for his station, but it really doesn’t matter. He shared his home with his wife, a woman of refined elegance, and his daughter, the woman who had saved me. I wasn’t in a state to really notice how beautiful the girl was, but looking back, I think I missed an opportunity to truly appreciate my strange gift for finding myself in the presence of extremely attractive females.
In exchange for the hospitality of my hosts, I played some music for them. They seemed pleased to hear songs they had never heard before. They told me that if the wizard couldn’t help me, I could surely make a fine living as a musician living on Castrovel. Had I not been heartbroken, I might just have stayed. But as it was, I was determined to make my way home.
The wizard we visited was old, aged in the way elves age. Which is to say, gracefully. We talked for a bit and I learned that he was well over four centuries old, but he looked to be around middle age. He had been studying magic for at least three centuries and had attained a level of mastery exceedingly rare in the world. I was lucky. Had I found myself anywhere else, it’s quite possible that I never would have found someone who could send me home.
We haggled on the price for a bit. The magical effect I was looking for was a powerful one. It would even normally require him to cast it twice, once to get me where I was going and once to get him back from there, so that would double the cost. Thankfully, he had discovered a way to imbue a relic made of gold with the magic, so that he would not have to travel with me. The amount required ran about half the cost of the second casting, so it was economically feasible. I would even get to keep the depowered gold afterwards, so it was even more economical. All in all, it worked out to about twenty-six hundred gold pieces.
As you can imagine, I didn’t have that much money. I was certain that the family helping me wouldn’t want to spend that kind of money either. So I started haggling. I didn’t have much in this world’s currency, but I had a few gadgets this world had never seen. I was able to reach an agreement that the wizard would perform the spellcasting and supply the gold in exchange for my MP3 player and the solar charger that went with it.
That’s right, I was getting a trip home and gold worth over three hundred thousand dollars in exchange for two objects worth a combined total of less than one hundred and fifty dollars. To be fair, I had over six billion dollars worth of songs(mostly legally purchased) on the MP3 player by RIAA math. So I guess it was an even trade when you think about it.
He told me that it would take several days to prepare the artifact, so I spent that time with my hosts, singing for my supper as it were. I also spent a lot of time thinking about how things would be when I got home. I mean, I would be the first earthling to have traveled so far and returned. I’d be like Travis Walton, except people would believe me once the evidence I’d left on the moon was recovered. I’d be an overnight celebrity. I think there’d only be three or four more recognizable stars than me…and Oprah would probably be two of them. Certain phrases kept swimming around in my head. Book deals, movie rights, Nobel prize(I figured that since they gave one to a guy just for getting elected, I would certainly be eligible for crossing half the galaxy and returning)…all were mine for the taking when I returned.
Two days later, I met with the wizard once again and he made the final preparations for the spell. He needed to know as much as he could about the destination. I told him the major basics about Earth: Third planet from the yellow sun, a blue planet, one moon. He then needed more specifics on where on the planet I wanted to go. Made sense, didn’t want to go home only to end up in People’s Republic of Best Korea or whatever they were calling themselves now. I told him I was from a small town named Marana originally. I figured that would be the best place to end up since I still had family near there. He nodded and input the information into the spell as he cast it upon the small gold sun statue.
Let me tell you something I know about powerful wizards that I didn’t know back then. They generally have a number of permanent magic effects on them at all times. This wizard in particular had a permanent enchantment on him like the one Samantha had cast upon me to allow me to understand and speak other languages. This effect works by converting the words as they pass between your ears and brain into something you understand and as they pass from your brain to your mouth so that you speak the appropriate language that you’re trying to speak. All you hear is the language you’re used to communicating in.
So it was that “Marana” became “Thicket” to his ears. Thanks to a fun number of coincidences, it was enough to keep me from going home. Instead I ended up in a forest on Golarion. Turns out Golarion is also the third planet from its yellow sun, is a blue planet and has one moon. Turns out there used to be a village named “Thicket” in the country of Isger in the Inner Sea Region of Golarion. It was wiped out during some trouble with local goblinoids. Had the translation error not occurred, I would likely be on Earth right now, since I haven’t found a Marana here.
But it did. And that’s how I found myself in a burned forest, face to face with a hungry goblin.
Let me explain to you what a goblin is. First of all, I’m going to assume you’ve heard of Family Guy. Now picture Stewie, but a bit taller, somehow bouncy, green and with a row of dagger like teeth. With that picture, you’ll have a more or less accurate image of a goblin. Upon seeing me, its lips drew back in a bloodthirsty grin and it drew its crude sword. I ran, screaming like a six year old at a Freddy Krueger movie.
Now, understand, this is generally a very poor reaction when faced with a predator. Running just gets them fired up to chase you. Unless you have a specific planned avenue of escape, such as a nearby tree to climb, bolting will often just let you die tired. Now, I may be fairly strong, but I’m no runner. I wasn’t going to have the stamina to keep ahead of this thing for long. If I had been thinking, I would have realized that only some sheer luck would save me.
Since I’m writing this, I’m sure you realize by now that I somehow made it out of there. I didn’t even see the paladin as I exited the tree line onto the road. But he had heard my screams and had come to my aid. The goblin didn’t stand a chance. A single slash of his scimitar and the damn thing was down.
I heard the attack and turned to see what had happened. Then I ran straight into a wooden cart that I swear hadn’t been there before. Lying flat on the ground, I heard the sounds of laughter. When my head finally stopped spinning, I found myself surrounded by half a dozen armed men. Okay, to be fair, two of them were women. But you discern the difference when surrounded by people wearing banded mail with their swords drawn. I bet you won’t be able to tell the difference either. So there.
Anyway, the leader points his sword at my throat. “Tell me why I should not cut you down where you lie, bandit.”
As I’ve proven before, I wasn’t great at answering things like that under pressure. Thankfully, another voice came to my rescue. “Come now, John. What kind of bandit would be running from a single goblin? And what is with these strange clothes? To think this is a simple bandit denies the facts before our eyes. Come, let’s put away our swords and talk like rational people. Can’t you see the poor man is terrified?”
The leader considered for a moment. “Perhaps you’re right. I’m holding you responsible for his conduct.” He sheathed his sword and walked away.
A steel plated hand was offered to me. I took hit and was pulled to my feet surprisingly easily. “Thank you,” I managed to stammer.
The figure before me was slight of frame, yet surprisingly strong and about the same height as me. He wore what appeared to be a light plate mail and a helmet that revealed the full of his face. His silver hair seemed to blow in a breeze that wasn’t there and strange blue markings seemed to swirl just beneath his skin. His smile was genuine. “Greetings, friend. I am Calais. Who are you and what brings you to this place?”
“My name’s Kyle. To be honest, I’m not sure exactly where I am, but I am here because the spell that was supposed to send me home sent me here instead.”
“Truly? Well, you are in the nation of Isger. I hope that puts you near to your home?”
I shook my head. “You’re going to have to be less specific than that. I’ve never heard of the nation of Isger.”
He seemed surprised. “Well, then you’re in the inner sea region.” My look must have betrayed my remaining confusion. “We’re on the continent of Avistan.” I was still confused. “On the planet Golarion.”
That one I knew. I face palmed. “Well, then, Calais, I seem to be approximately half a galaxy away from home. I’m not sure how the spell put me here, but I guess now I’m stuck here, unless you know a way for me to get to Castrovel so I can go speak to that wizard again?”
It was his turn to be confused. Over the next several weeks, I traveled with him and the others, telling them of my journey. They told me of themselves. Apparently this region was involved in a major conflict with armies of goblins and the six who had pulled weapons on me were a group of soldiers sent from a nearby nation to help protect the refugees from banditry and remaining goblinoid threats. Calais was a traveling paladin of the goddess Sarenrae who had come to help defend the helpless in the region as well, so they had joined up.
I still couldn’t figure out why I had been sent here instead of home. That epiphany wouldn’t come until years later. But this wasn’t too bad a place to be. I learned much about the world around me from those who I traveled with. I invoked my best console role playing game skills and asked as many questions as I could think of, absorbing everything they would tell me. I knew that I wouldn’t be sure what information might one day be useful, so I learned everything I could.
For instance, did you know that there are multiple planes of existence? Calais had an ancestor from another plane. That’s why he looks so different. Seems like his great-great-great-great-great grandfather had married a Djinni. I shit you not, according to the family story, it’s almost verbatim how Keiichi met Belldandy in Ah! My Goddess. It’s actually kind of heartwarming to think that something like that really could happen.
Despite our somewhat off-putting introduction, I also came to call the soldiers friends. That’s why I winced when the captain told me that this was his last tour before retirement. Sure enough, he took a shot to the throat two days later. And that was just the beginning of what shaped up to be a very bad day. It was also the first day I ever killed someone.
0 Comments