We were entering a system to look for a place to rest a bit when a laser beam shot past us. Based on the violet color, I suspected that they were using krypton as the lasing medium, but I might have been incorrect. It really doesn’t matter. What does matter is that Courage was at a reduced speed, which meant that we probably couldn’t get up to faster than light speed before they shot us since he took so long to get up to speed.
Since they didn’t fire again, I assumed it was a warning shot. I convinced Samantha to slow Courage down further so we could try diplomacy. A smaller craft exited the larger one and the pilot motioned for us to follow him. We did so and ended up in some kind of cargo bay. Samantha, in a bit of foresight unusual for her, cast a spell on both of us so we could understand our hosts.
They arrived with heavily armed guard. Their uniforms violated at least two or three rules on the Evil Overlord list, so I suspected that we might not be dealing with good people. Surprisingly enough, however, I found that they were human. They seemed as startled by our shared race as I was. They demanded to know why we had entered their solar system. I explained that we simply needed a stop to feed Courage.
They didn’t buy it. They separated us and took us to different interrogation rooms. The inquisitor who came to visit me was a humorless sort. He seemed to think that we were advanced scouts for an invasion fleet. I made the decision that I couldn’t give these paranoid nutjobs any real info about Earth, so I lied. Not only that, I nested a lie within a lie. I knew that if they dug deep enough, they’d manage to unravel my hastily constructed lie. So I made the first one seem outlandish. I claimed to be a famed writer within the United Federation of Planets(yes, I was cribbing from Star Trek to help my lie) and that Samantha was my half-Vulcan bodyguard. I told them that we were a warp capable civilization from the far reaches of the galaxy and that I was researching other cultures for a book I was writing. It was exactly the kind of lie that one might think up on the spot and I left it full of holes for him to pick at.
And he did, but he didn’t pick any that I had considered. He scoffed at the notion that anyone could break the faster than light barrier with a ship. He told me that only a shantak like the one we were riding could truly go faster than light. Besides, if we did have FTL ships, why were we on the back of a shantak?
My mind reeled at hearing that word. I’d read about shantaks in something Lovecraft inspired, plus I’d seen one on that anime, you know, the one where all the horrors of the mythos are instead portrayed as schoolgirls(and one creepy boy)? Also, the lead, who had a pet shantak, kinda reminds me of Samantha, now that I was thinking about it. That thought sent a chill up my spine.
This was the part of the lie where I was supposed to fumble around and finally “admit the truth”. My performance was aided by the fact that I was genuinely flustered by that revelation. Finally, I “broke down and admitted the truth”. I told him that we had taken a shantak because they were a lot harder to track than a warp-speed starship. I told him that we were running from our people because Samantha was the daughter of the Vulcan ambassador, engaged to be married to a Vulcan of high standing, but instead she had fallen for one of the groundskeepers at Starfleet Academy(me, in case you hadn’t guessed) and that we had run away together. I swore that everything else I had told him was true.
My performance must have convinced him, because he began asking me more about our culture. I told him that we were a peaceful people, but could be provoked to war if other races insisted. I told him about our recent war with the Dominion(Sisko is the greatest captain ever and to hell with anyone who says different).
Thanks to remembering something I saw on Burn Notice once, I did my best to use the questions he was asking me to determine what I could about him and his culture. As far as I could tell, his culture was more or less xenophobic and, for lack of a better word, Nazi-tastic. It was imperative that we escape.
It was only when they put both of us in a force-field protected cell that I considered that Samantha couldn’t have possibly told the same lie I did. I cursed myself for not working out some kind of shared lie beforehand. Turns out that it was unnecessary.
She spent the entire time she was interrogated talking about pancakes.
Yeah, I didn’t believe it either. But she explained that she was doing an impression of this gnome she knew. She figured that I would come up with something to talk them into releasing us, and that it was better if she not say anything to jeopardize our escape. So she talked about pancakes. Then she pulled out a sack of marbles(again, I have no idea where she was carrying them) and tried to convince someone to play with her.
After a bit, the ship’s captain came to talk to us. She told us that we were being taken to their homeworld for study and further interrogation. Samantha’s expression changed immediately. In an instant, she went from being cute and quirky to being pants-shittingly terrifying. Her eyes grew wild. Her lip curled into a slasher grin. I thought even the mask looked more menacing than normal. She spoke a few words and suddenly the room had become pitch black.
I heard the sound of Samantha’s boots in the darkness, followed by the sound of something hitting the force-field. Suddenly the captain screamed in agony and I could smell burning flesh. The darkness faded and Samantha was standing next to me, holding something in her horrifically burned right hand. “I took her communicator,” my companion told me. “Can you use it to open the cell?” I remembered seeing the security officer use his hand held communicator to open and close the cell when they brought me in, so I nodded, sure that if I had a few minutes I could figure it out if it wasn’t coded.
I noticed the corpse of the captain and realized that the force fields must not be a solid wall, but instead seemed to function by doing damage to anything that tried to pass through. The fact that Samantha had reached through disturbed me a bit. The fact that she barely even registered her burn disturbed me even more.
**It took a few moments, but I managed to open the cell by upgrading our prisoner status from Red(dangerous criminals) to Blue(ship’s personnel on administrative punishment) and setting off an evacuation order. Since the ship thought we were valuable crewmen on minor punishment, it figured it was best to lower the field to let us out since the crew was abandoning ship.
I’ll never figure out why it took so long, but that was the moment security busted in. They charged at us with devices that looked like stun batons. Samantha opened her left hand and suddenly it became dark again. In the blackness, I heard a brief struggle and then Samantha stood over two corpses, both cut in half, her hand once again clenched, her right hand holding that sword she’d been carrying in the woods. Its blade was on fire.
I knew that we’d likely never outrun this thing while Courage was accelerating, so I suggested we disable the ship while we escaped. Samantha agreed, so I pulled up a schematic of the ship. Thankfully, the communicator’s interface was intuitive, so I was able to navigate its menus pretty quickly.
We followed the map to a point marked “Missile Bay”, Samantha bifurcating people along the way. When we arrived, we saw numerous missiles mounted on a conveyer. I interfaced with one using my handy device and bypassed the system safeties before ordering it to launch in two minutes.
Two minutes later, we were back in space on Courage, flying away when we saw a bright flash. Hey, how was I supposed to know that those missiles were nuclear? I’m still impressed that Courage got us out of there in time.**
Okay, so everything between the penciled-in stars… that was all a lie. I wish it had happened that way. That way makes me sound like I actually helped. No, what really happened was that security busted in almost immediately after Samantha had killed the captain and handed me the device. Samantha just shrugged at their arrival and opened her hand. Suddenly it was pitch black again. I heard that familiar sound of something pressing through the force field, followed by two short screams and Samantha speaking words in a language I couldn’t recognize, even with the spell helping me understand all languages.
When the lights came on, what was left of the two security guards lay on the floor and Samantha’s burns were healed, though smoke was still wafting off of her hair. She broke the panel outside the cell with a swift punch from her gloved hand and the field shimmered and disappeared. We did go down to the missile bay and I did consider destroying the ship with one of the missiles, but it was a no go.
Let me tell you something about real life. It’s not like Star Trek. The ship’s computer doesn’t helpfully enable you to do things like what I wanted to do just because you have the captain’s communicator, not if you don’t have the proper security codes. No, it actively fights you. And you can’t hack it like they hack computers in Hollywood. I mean, maybe if we got on their planet and I was able to slip away and learn enough about their culture to use some social engineering attack to trick someone into giving me their codes. Then, maybe I could make it work. But now? Not a chance.
So Samantha decided that the only safe way to escape was to kill everyone inside one by one. Now, I had no problem with that. I was willing to help. But she decided it was too dangerous for me. I had to admit it. As surprised as they all were that she was able to get through the force field, the remaining foes would likely underestimate her. Me? Their approximations of my level of skill would likely be overestimations.
It was at that point that I realized that if this were a mission in a video game, I would be considered The Load(if the internet’s still a thing when you’re reading this, look that up on TVTropes if you don’t know what that means). I just hoped that when the time came for me to make an actual contribution, it would be so epic that I would instantly redeem myself in the eyes of the player. Or at least enough to make me feel better about myself, since I wasn’t a character in a game.
Samantha told me to wait in the missile bay. I agreed. However, as she was leaving, she came up with a better idea. At least, she thought it was a better idea. If I had been given a choice, I would have called it a horrible idea. However, she didn’t ask for my input. She just turned and spoke the words to a spell, pointing her hand just to my left.
A large piece of ice missed my head by mere inches before slamming into the wall behind me. Apparently the ship was designed to deal with collisions on the outside, not the inside, so the force of the impact tore open a hole in the wall larger than me. Moments later, I was blasted out into space, watching as the doors inside closed behind Samantha.
I had a problem. I was flying away from the ship. Samantha might have trouble finding me. Luckily, I had grabbed some kind of fire extinguisher in my flailing to find a handhold. I used that to slow myself down enough to avoid drifting any further away before expending the last of the gas. Now, stuck here with my ring and pendant keeping me alive, I had nothing I could do to help.
Well, that’s not entirely true. I did have the communicator still. So I figured I might as well see what I could do with that, figuring that surely there had to be something useful to be done with no security codes required. After a few minutes of fiddling, I determined that the only functions that didn’t require codes were actual communication functions. So, nothing better to do, I flipped on the ship wide intercom.
Doing my best impersonation of HAL 9000, I sang Daisy Bell. It was something to do other than contemplate the fact that I was floating in space with no protection other than “a magic ring and necklace”.
After I had finished, a voice crackled over the communicator. “Excuse me, sir, but your friend here wanted me to request that you sing something a bit more fun.” I looked towards one of the windows and saw Samantha waving at me. I gave her a big thumbs up. As I considered what to sing next, I heard the voice from before screaming as Samantha advanced on the terrified crewman. I didn’t quite make out what he was saying, so I imagine it was like that one liner from Commando(“Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last? I lied.”).
I thought about some of the more fun songs I knew. “Re: Your Brains” was up first, followed by “Weasel Stomping Day”, “Why does the sun shine?” and the theme from My Little Pony. Every once in a while, I’d spot Samantha near one of the windows. She’d wave at me or strike a pose. As I finished the last of those songs, she even blew me a kiss.
Well, I had to respond to that somehow. So, after internally jumping for joy, I did the only thing I could think of. I ad-libbed new words to the most flirtatious song I could think of. I apologize in advance for what you’re about to read.
Samantha, Baby(to the tune of Santa Baby)
Samantha baby, stab that guy right below the knee, for me
I’ve been an awful good boy, Samantha baby
So hurry up and finish the fight.
Samantha baby, I can’t wait to see you again,
Well I’ll wait here for you, Samantha baby
So pick me up after the fight
Think of all the fun we’ve missed
Think of all the stuff not on our naughty list.
Next year we don’t have to be quite so good
But right now deck that guy with your fist.
Samantha baby, I think you’re hot and really that’s how it ought
to be, Samantha baby
So hurry up and let’s fly off into the night.
Samantha, honey, there’s one more thing I really should say, I pray
that you’ll agree to be mine, Samantha honey
So hurry up and finish the fight.
Come with me and you will see,
We really could sing a perfect harmony.
I really do believe in you
Let’s see if you believe in me
Samantha baby, forgot to mention one little blip
A ship
I think it’s coming this way, Samantha baby
We don’t have time to finish your fight.
A few moments later, Samantha and Courage swooped out of the cargo bay and grabbed me. We flew off, just barely getting up to speed before the enemy craft could catch us. How did she react to my song? I got a lingering kiss on the cheek and she fell asleep with her head on my shoulder. This was a triumph. I’m making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS. It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction.
That day changed the dynamic of our relationship. Not completely, but enough to make a difference. It wasn’t that she viewed me differently. What had changed was me. I had become less passive about expressing my feelings to her. From that point on, when I took her hand she held mine as well. When I kissed her, she kissed back. She smiled whenever I called her by a pet name or whenever I told her that I loved her. All in all, things were pretty great.
Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t sleep together. Well, okay, in the literal sense, we shared a bedroll a few times, but in the more biological sense, it never happened. Not that I didn’t want it to, I just never made a move in that direction. I was still afraid of rushing her. Looking back, I suspect that she probably wouldn’t have minded if I had, but to a kid head over heels whose relationship was progressing, it wasn’t worth jeopardizing our slow and steady progress to rush it. Those few months were bliss.
During our year or so together, I had heard stories from her about her friends. She told me about her old life, about the hardships she had endured. She even told me about how she had been taken by the dimensional shambler, only avoiding the horrifying fate it had planned for her because it had already been wounded by her friends, allowing her to kill it after waking.
There was one story she had asked me not to ask about, however. She wasn’t comfortable telling me about how she had lost her faith and ended her time as a paladin. I had chalked that one up as too painful and let it be. I was surprised when she brought it up. (Since you’re reading the English version of this, you’ll see the full story within. I’m marking the parts that won’t show up in the other version in big “XX” marks.)
We had landed once again to allow Courage a chance to feed. I set up camp while Samantha did some scouting, hoping to find some locals who could tell us where we were. I cleared a spot for camp and began gathering wood for a fire. As I set up the tent, I began singing again. A few words into the song(Something from the nineties, had been pretty high on the charts. Not telling you anything beyond that. It’s my memory, dammit.) Samantha’s voice sang out as well. We sang together until the end of the song, then I could see on her face that she was excited about something. I asked what it was.
“We’re on the planet Castrovel,” she said. “That means we’re only a few hours from home.” I offered to strike camp so we could continue on, but she shook her head. “It’ll still be there in the morning. Might as well start out fresh.” She produced a bundle from within the pouch at her belt. “Besides, I got a new ball.” I nodded sagely.
We played what can only be described as Calvinball. If you don’t know what Calvinball is, well, just imagine a game where the rules are ill defined at best and change whenever a whim strikes a player. I never knew who was winning, but after about an hour, Samantha told me that I had, in fact, been the victor with a score of Q to Twelve. I’m still not sure whether I had the Q or the Twelve. What I am sure of, however, is that Samantha declared that the winner deserved a reward.
She made me promise to close my eyes and not open them until she said I could, no matter what I heard. I agreed. A few moments after closing my eyes, I felt her lips pressed on mine. What I didn’t feel was the familiar touch of cool metal. She had taken off the gold mask that always covered half of her face. I desperately wanted to open my eyes, but I had promised not to, so they remained shut.
A few moments after the kiss, she let me open my eyes. She had replaced the mask. On the side of her face that I could see, she wore a wistful smile.
I started a fire, one of man’s oldest sources of comfort, and we sat together next to the flame for hours, just enjoying each other’s company. After a while, she asked if I remembered asking about why she was no longer a paladin. Unsure how to answer, I simply nodded. She asked if I was still interested in knowing. I nodded again.
She told me the story, reminding me first of how she had become stranded far away from home and spent years wandering through various planes of existence before finally making her way back onto the Material Plane(which is where our physical universe is located). Upon returning, she realized that she was nowhere near home. In time, she found a shantak and convinced it to carry her home, promising to protect it from the many things it feared in exchange for safe passage. That’s what led her to the place where she lost faith in the one she worshipped.
XX After some time together, she and Courage landed on a small planet that the locals called Serenity. She landed in a squalid town just outside a large marsh. After some investigation, she learned that this town was one of many that had recently lost its independence after an invasion from a nearby nation. Seeing how these people lived broke her heart.
That evening, she was approached by members of the local resistance movement. They asked her to join them in fighting off the invaders and winning their freedom. She agreed. To her mind, this place was why Ragathiel had allowed her to be dragged away. She was meant to help these people. This is where it all made sense.
Unfortunately, she was wrong. She fought alongside the resistance for months, leading up to a final confrontation between the resistance cells throughout the nation and the occupation force in a rocky valley whose name she never learned. They were outnumbered three to one, but Samantha was sure that they had the gods on their side.
The resistance was slaughtered in that battle. Samantha was the only survivor. She was furious about what had happened. As cliché as it seems, she found herself standing upon a precipice in the rain, raging against the heavens. She even cast her holy symbol over the edge, though she kept her sword since it was a useful tool in addition to being the blade of a paladin. XX
After she completed her story, I thanked her for telling me and we sat in silence for a bit. All in all, it had been a good day, topped off by her telling me perhaps one of the most intimate secrets she held. When we fell asleep together next to the fire, I was content. Or perhaps, I was elated. I was just plain happy. I was…
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