“Famished from his latest quest, the wizard seeks a snack.”
I sang those words as I sat down to cook myself some breakfast. I had caught a rabbit in a deadfall trap overnight, so that meant I could skip the trail rations. Don’t get me wrong, the elves I had traded with recently make a mean trail ration, but there’s still not much you can do with food that needs to last on the road.
After cleaning the critter, I had marinated it in fairly simple brine made of little more than salt, mead and some herbs I’d found while securing my campsite. While it soaked, I struck camp and gathered some more firewood while keeping an eye out for any kind of edible plants in the area. If I found any, I could make a nice soup instead of just roasting the meat.
Of course, that would require me to get to eat my food at all. It turns out that the brine was a bad idea. The smell of the salty brine had attracted goblins, who were now fighting over the contents of my pot. They saw me at the same time I saw them.
Now, unlike last time I encountered a goblin, I command semi-phenomenal, nearly cosmic powers. But even then, I was far too outnumbered to be able to handle these things on my own. I managed to take out several of them with some well-placed magic and a couple gunshots to the face, but that left me with two remaining, no spells of any consequence prepared and jammed gun.
Two of the foes tried dragging me to the ground. I’m sure wizard was just as appetizing to them as rabbit. I heard several others scrambling out of the woods to come at me as well. I was pretty sure that I was going to amount to shit, just like that guy who was studying those bears.
I probably would have died if not for some well-timed deus ex sexy-na. Or would it be sexy ex machina? Meh, I’m not going to quibble over the semantics. Anyway, as I fought the two, a figure in shining armor came thundering in on horseback and cut down the charging foes.
I managed to pull my knife and stab one of the two, getting the knife stuck. That left me and the remaining goblin trying to choke each other to death when the armored figure walked over and kicked it in the face. Lucky wizard one, goblins zero.
With the battle subsided, I finally got a look at my savior. Standing more than half a foot shorter than me and dressed in a strange, custom-fitted suit of armor made of plate and scale mail, she was a vision of loveliness. I’m not sure what it is that I’ve done in my life to deserve so many random encounters with stunningly beautiful women, but if some deity wants to claim credit for it, I’d be happy to give thanks and light a few candles on whatever their version of Easter is. After all, official church stance is that worshipful adoration is for God alone, but respectful veneration was another thing entirely. He or she could be my own personal patron saint of Homesick Wizards Finding Solace in the Constant Companionship of Major Hotties.
I retrieved my gun and nonchalantly used my power to remove the blood from my coat, doing my best to look cool while doing so. I also took care of the blood on her armor and on her white stallion. While tending to the horse, I noticed that it had a bit of a limp. She checked it out and found that he had a bruised hoof.
She decided to find a place to camp, so I remained with her. It’s not like I was going anywhere that required my presence so urgently that I couldn’t delay a day or two in order to spend time with a beautiful woman. Once we found somewhere she was satisfied with, I applied a salve to the horse’s hoof and set up camp. Remembering my manners, I finally introduced myself. She informed me that her name was Aurora Calwen.
I did my best to hide the fact that I had heard her name before. She was a war hero and a wanted fugitive from Taldor. Apparently there had been a disagreement. Her father had wanted her to marry someone old enough to collect social security and she disagreed with extreme prejudice. Her suitor had gotten the point. You know, the point? That’s a joke, son. She stabbed the old guy. You’re built too low. The fast ones go over your head. Ya got a hole in your glove. I keep pitchin’ ’em and you keep missin’ ’em. Ya gotta keep your eye on the ball. Eye. Ball. I almost had a gag, son. Joke, that is.
I came back from setting traps to find her drinking heavily, looking miserable. I could smell the disgusting beverage she was trying to drown in from the other side of camp and told her as much. She just wanted me to leave her alone. I wouldn’t have any of that.
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to happen,” I responded. I walked over and picked up one of the empty bottles, giving it a sniff. My god. I thought it smelled bad on the outside. “This stuff isn’t even fit for degreasing engines. Besides, your problems won’t go away just because you crawl into a bottle.”
“Go away. You don’t know what it’s like to be thousands of miles away from home, unable to go back.” I stared at her for a moment and just laughed. She looked like she wanted to punch me but couldn’t figure out which of me to punch. That’s the danger of drinking rotgut.
“I don’t know what it’s like? Tell me something. Do you know what it’s like to be so far from home that you could walk for a thousand lifetimes and wouldn’t have covered a fraction of the distance to your home? Do you know what it’s like to be the only person who knows who David Bowie is? Ever break out into a rendition of ‘I’ll Make a Man Out of You’, knowing full well that no one around you even knows what a Hun is? Listen, we’ve all got problems. But I don’t mind telling you about mine, if you’ll tell me about yours.”
Apparently she needed an outlet for all that was bottled inside, because she told me everything. I mean, I had known a bit, but I hadn’t known how it had affected her. I wanted to hug her more than anything, to tell her that it was going to be alright, but she was still wearing metal gauntlets and I wasn’t too keen on getting punched in the face by this pint sized powerhouse with the badass scar across her left eye. So I sat quietly and ate some trail rations while she spoke, speaking only to ask questions to help clarify some of the things she said.
When she finished telling me her tale, I went and checked the snares. Sure enough, we had a nice fat rabbit caught in one of my traps. I also lucked into finding some wild carrots, so I prepared a stew for dinner.
As I cooked, I told her my story. I’m fairly sure that there were points where she was having trouble believing me, but I laid it all out there anyway. As I finished my story, a thought occurred. As finicky as the spell was that I would need to get home, I was fairly certain that Earth would be a safe haven for her to hide from those who pursued her. I told her as much. “After all,” I said, “In many of the stories I’ve read, the wizard always travels with a knight who can protect him while he brings his semi-phenomenal, nearly-cosmic power to bear.” I didn’t bring up the fact that the spell caster was usually a woman and the knight usually a man. Once you’ve spent a month as a woman, fulfilling traditional gender roles doesn’t seem to matter as much.
She must have been desperate for something that would allow her life to regain some of its normalcy because she swore herself to my service immediately. I accepted her oath on the condition that if she felt the need to drink herself silly that she at least drink something that didn’t smell like turpentine. She laughed and agreed to that.
I also pushed my luck, because of course I did. My voice dripping with innuendo, I asked, “Since you’ve sworn yourself to my service, does that mean I get shared tent privileges now?”
She looked like she was about to deck me, but suddenly she laughed again. ““Sorry, that one takes a different kind of vow.”
I thought about it for a moment and realized that my adoption by the Voidstrife family did more or less mean that I was eligible to marry a noblewoman. Huh. “Well maybe we’ll discuss that a different time,” I said with a wink. Then, putting on my best Jamaican accent, I said, “Rabbit’s done. I cooked it with a bit of applejack and some cinnamon, so it should be a winna, mon.” She just looked confused. No one gets me.
We ate our dinner and she helped me fortify camp a bit. Then I took the first watch. I ended up letting her sleep a bit longer than I was supposed to because she looked like she needed it. As I watched her sleep, I thought to myself that Aurora is a rather fitting name for the beauty lying in my tent.
The next morning, Aurora’s horse had healed enough to travel, though she didn’t ride it to give it time to heal. Oh, and I forgot to mention that the stallion’s name is Starbrite, because of course it is. Apparently I’m living in a manga.
I won’t go into detail about how I lost my gun, because that shit’s embarrassing. Suffice it to say that one of the ruins we investigated had become home to a nest of pugwampis – a type of gremlin whose very presence is unlucky – and leave it at that. I ended up replacing its magical use by enchanting the signet ring Lady Voidstrife had given me as a token of my membership in her house. I replaced its more mundane function with a crossbow scavenged off a bandit we’d taken down.
The next large town we stopped in saw a bit of change of clothing for Aurora. She replaced the symbols on her heraldry with my own chosen arcane mark. I tactfully left out the fact that my symbol was inspired by that underappreciated more realistic Punisher movie that came out in the early Aughties. Don’t get me wrong. I still told her the story of The Punisher as we traveled. I just left out the whole comic book thing is all.
We visited several ruins with little luck before stopping in some small, podunk one horse town for provisions. It was apparent that the citizens were under the effect of some kind of plague. Just my luck. Worried that we’d already been contaminated, I suggested that we find out more about the nature of the disease.
The town’s mayor didn’t have much information, but pointed us in the direction of the town apothecary, Laurel. We headed that way and found the shop with a rather long line out the door. I mean, I’ve seen shorter lines at Disney World.
While we stood in line, another man took umbrage with my hat. I would have argued with him, but you had to see the man to understand why I decided that wasn’t the wisest course. He must have been well over seven feet tall and rippling with muscle. I wisely decided an argument wasn’t a good idea. Still, he seemed a few hammers short of a tool shed, so I changed the subject by asking him why he was so tall. He just seemed confused.
Laurel had her hands full and couldn’t see us right away, so we stood off to one side and tried to help where we could. Another man, obviously traveling with the large man, seemed competent in dealing with the sick and was also interested in the disease. We chatted for a bit and I learned that his name was Geo and his large companion was Lenn. Apparently Lenn had been normal once, but had taken a blow to the head from a giant, scrambling his brains. Geo was searching for a cure for the injury and had dabbled in potion making.
Once Laurel had finished with the last sick person, we finally questioned her on the disease. Turns out it was some kind of fungal infection. She knew of a possible cure, but she lacked the ingredients. One look at her face and I could tell that Aurora wanted to help these people. I didn’t figure it would cost us much more than a few days of our time and it never hurt to make a few friends in the area since there was always a good chance someone might know of some good ruins to scour for magical knowledge, so I agreed to help. Geo volunteered his and Lenn’s help as well.
Laurel told us we would need three ingredients. First was a moss likely to be found on the oldest tree in the forest. Then we needed some kind of pickled root, likely to be held by some old witch who lived in the woods. Finally, we needed some mushrooms likely to be found in some old ruins located in the forest. That last one intrigued me. She didn’t know where we’d find any of these things, so she pointed us to a lumber camp where someone might know where we could look.
At the camp, we found that the plague had reached the lumberjacks as well. One such man, whose son was afflicted, drew us a map with the landmarks we sought. It was late, so we decided to hit the mess hall for dinner and set out first thing in the morning.
In the mess hall, we met another traveler. He was some kind of cat person and went by the name Paulie something or other. I’ll ask him how his name is spelled before my next journal entry so I can be more accurate. He was an interesting sort. I swear to god, he reminds me of Bob Ross. You know, the “Happy Little Tree” painter. He told us he was traveling to Sandpoint, but that hearing about this disease was, and I quote, “bumming him out”. We told him what we were doing and he offered to help.
We set up camp near one of the buildings. Aurora and I crashed in my rather large tent. No, it’s not like that. The damn thing is big enough to sleep four people comfortably. We had a fair amount of open ground between us. Lenn and Geo slept under the stars. Paulie slept in a collapsible bathtub. Yeah, I don’t get it either.
The next morning, the five of us set out into the forest. Our cat-headed friend had another surprise for us. He saddled up a freaking yak and we set out. I’m not sure if you’ve ever been near a yak, but if you ever find yourself with that dubious honor, bring a clothespin for your nose.
We headed towards the general location of the “oldest tree in the forest” first. I’m not sure why the moss only grows on that one tree. In my experience, moss grows on many trees. We should have been able to find it on half the trees in that particular area. On the other hand, I got here by flying through space on the back of an elephant sized winged monstrosity, so what do I know?
As we neared the river that ran through the forest, we heard the sounds of something whimpering. We decided to investigate. In the center of a small clearing near the water, we found a fox with its leg caught in a cruel looking trap. The hair stood up on the back of my neck as we approached. I knew that somehow this fox had been left to ensnare bigger prey. I was pretty sure I’d seen this movie. One of us would get too close to the water and then, suddenly, tentacles. Or a giant snake. Maybe crab people. Look, I didn’t know what was lurking in the water, but something was. And I wasn’t letting it get me.
But hey, I’ve been known to be wrong before.
In my heightened state of awareness, I was the only one who heard the rustling in the brush behind us. I spun to find a hobgoblin and a pair of large, trained crows preparing to attack us. Still wary about going near the water, I opted to do something about the hobgoblin instead of rushing behind my more armored companions. With a quick cantrip, I filled his mind with garbage, making it impossible for him to act before he had sorted through the random information. In case you’re wondering, the information I flooded his mind with was mostly Pokémon stats.
Bereft of his leadership, the crows just charged in a straight line, striking at my companions. I prepared to move away, not getting closer to the water but making myself a less appealing target to the hobgoblin. Unfortunately, it seems that not even Mewtwo’s stats were enough to slow him much, because he quickly rushed at me. Bam, one hit from his blade and I crumpled in a heap.
When I came to, I found Paulie standing over me. A quick check of my wounds revealed that he had used magical healing to patch me right up. That out of the way, we turned our attention to the poor fox. Aurora calmed the beast while Paulie, Geo and I freed it from the trap and tended to its wounds. Once we were finished, it nuzzled Aurora affectionately and she put it in a makeshift nest in one of her saddlebags. Starbrite didn’t seem to mind.
And no, I’m not sure why we didn’t just have Paulie use magic to heal it. Remember, I had just gotten up from being laid out by an injury. And Paulie was probably stoned. Not sure about the rest of the group, though.
We made our way to the location on our crude map and found a massive tree. We’re talking hueg liek Xbox. No, you’re not reading that wrong. It’s spelled that way on purpose. Don’t worry about it.
I was expecting the tree to be alive and attack us. I’ve seen Evil Dead, though I never did get to see that remake. The way my day had been going, it would only have been fitting. We took a moment to look for signs of anything amiss, but spotted nothing. That’s how I knew it was going to be bad.
Sure enough, as Lenn approached, some kind of serpent creature leapt from the tree. I recognized it as a tatzel wurm on closer inspection. A tatzel wurm is a kind of dragonkin, which means it’s intelligent enough, likely has some kind of breath weapon and is generally just not to be fucked with. Oddly enough, we have accounts of a similar creature back on Earth. It’s also called Stollenwurm, Springwurm, Arassas and Praatzelwurm. A Swiss photographer even claimed to have gotten a photo of one back in 1934. It is believed to be a hoax, but still.
I’ve been starting to wonder if Earth once had all sorts of magical creatures and we humans were just really good at exterminating them. I mean, we know we killed the megalania. Note, I’m not sure that’s how the word is spelled, but I vaguely remember reading it that way when I was looking at Alpine folklore.
The wurm leapt out of the tree and latched onto Lenn with two swiping claw attacks. The large man grunted in pain. My companions launched attacks at the beast with bow and blade. Lenn took a poison breath to the face, then reversed the grapple before dragging the creature over to us. I cast a blinding illusion of color upon it and my other companions beat it to a pulp. It didn’t stand a chance.
Geo tended to the poison, though it left Lenn feeling a bit weak. Then we gathered the moss and I looked for any signs of a nest. If this thing had left eggs, I was going to smash them. In my chest beats the heart of an earthling, and we earthlings are nothing if not thorough about driving creatures to extinction. Sure enough, we found a nest. Too bad all the eggs had already hatched. Their former occupants were gone. I could only hope that their mother had eaten them.
We gathered the effects of several corpses strewn about the nesting site, found the moss we sought, and moved on. Our next destination: the cottage of a witch. Of course, when it was starting to get dark, we suspected that we still had a mile or two to go, so we made camp. No need to confront a witch at night. We set watches and rested til daylight once more filled the land.
The cottage was ringed with strange fetishes. We called out from outside the line and got no response, so we approached warily. After knocking yielded no response, Lenn ripped the door off its hinges and we peered inside. Along with the many herbs lining the walls, there was a large cauldron. I made a rock glow with a bit of magic, and someone threw it into the cauldron. Naturally, the cauldron sprang to life.
Now, I know a magical construct when I see it. And I know that fighting one is best done outdoors where we can gang up on it. But I wasn’t sure that Lenn would realize this. So I used a bit of magic to make him grow bigger. Ostensibly it was to make him strong enough to damage it, but really it was meant to keep him from trying to engage the thing inside the hut.
Sure enough, a giant man with an extremely oversized axe makes quick work of a cauldron, but not before it tried to eat Paulie. He seemed bummed out about that. Inside the cottage, we found a few nifty valuables and the roots we needed, so we left the cottage before the witch could return. Not that we suspected she would, since the place looked abandoned, but you never know.
Traveling from the witch’s hut, we ran across a pair of wolves. One was wounded almost immediately and tried to flee. The other went down shortly after. While Lenn slew the second wolf, Aurora drew her bow and put an arrow in the back of the fleeing wolf’s skull. Remind me never to piss her off.
We made our way to the ruins. Sections of walls collapsed in several places, so we moved in from two sides. For our signal, I made the sound of a dying giraffe. If you don’t get the reference, don’t worry about it. Just live with the shame of sucking and move on.
Of course, the courtyard was empty. We saw some tracks leading inside, both reptilian and mammalian tracks, but we didn’t know enough to know what lay in wait. We first checked out the large tower. Webs everywhere hinted at a spider laying in wait. Sure enough, a giant spider was clinging to the ceiling, waiting for a chance to strike. As it didn’t realize I had spotted it, I had a moment to cast a spell. A few words and a bit of mystical working later, the ceiling was covered with grease and the spider fell. Lenn smashed it with his axe and that was that. Up the rickety stairs, Geo found a rather nice sword preserved in oilcloth.
We headed inside and followed the tracks of the reptilian. I set up some caltrops in the narrow hallway behind us. Lenn tore another door off its hinges and threw it into another open room, setting off some kind of fungal spores in what appeared to be a library. I trained my crossbow on the hallway behind us while the others investigated the room ahead. Sure enough, Lenn set off a deadfall trap. Of course, it barely fazed him.
Moving further into the room, my companions found a kobold hiding under a bed. It shouted curse words in Draconic. I shouted back for it to watch its language. It seemed startled by that and was swiftly knocked out.
Seeing an opportunity to learn more about the ruins, I tied it up while the others looted the sack on the top of the bed. We dragged it outside and healed it enough to awaken it. I interrogated it and learned that in addition to the spider, it knew of a pack of wolves deeper in the ruins. Since I had offered it its life in exchange for information, we tossed it in the room with the dead spider, gave it a bit of wolf meat and prepared to delve further in the ruins.
While I had been interrogating the prisoner, someone else heard a yelp. Checking the hallway we’d come from, we found a trail of blood leading from my caltrops and followed it to the wolves’ lair. We were surprised when one of them, a rather large specimen, talked to us. We could tell his offer of truce was a lie and he went down like a sack of bricks, as did his two companions.
Inside the wolf lair, we found most of the mushrooms we needed. Still, we needed a few more for our collection, so we continued scouring the ruins. Inside an abandoned armory, we found a hidden door leading to a prison. Several dwarf skeletons were inside. Of course, they came to life as soon as someone opened a cell. Aurora crushed two of their faces in with her gauntlets and Lenn smashed one with an axe. At least, that’s what they told me about the encounter. You see, in the extremely narrow corridors, there was no room for me to work my magic. Too many risks of friendly fire.
So I guarded the rear. I sat in the armory with my crossbow ready and trained on the door in case something tried to sneak up on us. It’s probably not the best strategy, for me to stand alone ready to make a poor shot at anything coming in. I’d feel a lot better if I still had my gun. Still, with the hallway trapped with caltrops, I should at least have enough warning for someone more adept at smashing faces to come to my aid.
After the skeletons were vanquished, I headed into the jail. Each of the corpses that had come to life had Thassilonian runes on their skulls. That suggested that there might be a connection worth investigating. At the very least, it hinted at the possibility that I was indeed in the right area.
We went back, intent on searching beyond some double doors we had passed earlier, as well as checking out the fungus filled library. As we approached the double doors, I noticed something I had failed to spot earlier. Apparently there were two doors I had completely failed to spot. Inside one we found the remains of a dwarven suicide. His log suggested that some of his people were turning away from worship of Torag, the dwarven all-father, and towards Thassilonian practices. In the other room, we found more mushrooms.
The room beyond the double doors was a chapel of some kind. I quickly detected that the altar had the same faint aura of magic on it as a ruby we’d taken off the kobold, so we headed into the room. Of course, we neglected looking at the ceiling.
I heard a clatter as the room suddenly went dark. I wasn’t sure what kind of creatures had made the effect, but I knew a darkness spell when I saw one. “Fall back!” I shouted. “Don’t fight whatever it is on its terms. Make it chase us outside!” We began rushing outside with Paulie’s guidance, since he has a supernatural ability to see in darkness, which, now that I think about it, isn’t so much a trait most catfolk have. I’m starting to suspect there may be more to him than I thought.
Naturally, I stumbled and one of the creatures grabbed me. I called out for Aurora and she came to my aid. I never saw her attacking the beast, but I heard it go down. They had also managed to take down the second one in the meantime. Paulie let us know that the danger was past. I asked him to find whatever was radiating the darkness and cover it so we could see again. He then patched us up with a magical healing wand we had found earlier.
I walked over to the altar and placed the gem inside a small indentation. The altar pulsed a healing effect. I sighed at the realization that we had wasted much of the wand’s remaining power for nothing.
The chapel had a door leading directly to the fungus filled library. Having seen the fungus shoot off spores when disturbed, I covered my face with a damp cloth and tied a rope around my waist, giving the other end to Aurora. I then lit a torch and swept it in front of me, doing my best to clear my path with the flame.
Most of the tomes had been eaten by the fungus, but one appeared untouched. I levitated up a pair of tongs and used them to grab it off the top shelf, catching it carefully as it fell. I recognized the Thassilonian writing immediately. A peek inside revealed it as a spellbook of some sort. Score.
I made my way back to the others. Only upon my return to the chapel did I notice that the pews were made of darkwood. It was fairly valuable stuff and would likely just be eaten by the fungus, so I apologized to Torag and we set to work breaking down the pews into as many boards as we could comfortably carry tied in bundles over our shoulders. We then set out, having obtained everything we would need for the cure and some valuable treasure as well.
We then headed straight south. It would have been safer to go around the river, but we didn’t have time to waste. Not if we wanted to save as many people as possible. Within an hour or two, we reached the river.
We tied our bundles of darkwood planks to the animals as makeshift flotation devices while Aurora and Paulie removed their armors to prepare to swim across. As for me, well, swimming across just didn’t appeal to me. I refuse to swim in natural waters in Florida because there might be alligators, so you better damn well be sure I won’t swim in Varisia when the waters might contain god knows what.
But I’m quick thinking and came up with an alternative. You see, the river was only about twenty feet wide. We had at least two hundred feet of rope and there were sturdy trees on our side of the river. I briefed the others on my idea and they decided to try it my way.
Lenn led the animals across first since I didn’t think the tree would support any of them, even if we could get Starbrite or the Yak to climb one. The wooden floaties worked rather well and the three made it across easily.
Aurora then scrambled up the tree. I watched in admiration of her rather nice ass. Hey, don’t look at me that way. I notice these things and it’s rare that she’s not in her metal clothes. She lowered a rope and helped the rest of us up, then fired two grappling arrows across the river, trailing rope behind them. Lenn tied them to the animals like we’d told him. We tied the ends of the ropes together around the tree so we could retrieve them from the other side.
Then we zip-lined across, because I’m awesome like that.
We retrieved the rope, my companions put their armor back on and we hurried towards town. Our pace was deliberate but measured, careful not to tire the animals or risk any kind of injury. We arrived and gave the ingredients to Laurel. She whipped up some strange concoction and soon the villagers were all better. Well, except the ones that died while we were out looking for all these weird things.
We even saw that lumberjack who drew us the map. His son made a full recovery. We checked in with the new clerics in town that we had spoken with before setting out and found out more about our next destination, Sandpoint. Yeah, I know I didn’t mention them earlier. They didn’t really have much to tell us so they weren’t important.
Turns out Sandpoint has a new temple to multiple gods that’s being built, and there are rumors of giant activity in the area. Since Geo and Lenn are out hunting giants, they decided to go. And Paulie was interested in the temple. Since the area is rife with Thassilonian ruins, it was a logical stop for me and Aurora. We decided to set out together.
Along the way, I began crafting myself a gauntlet, since being able to punch something with a metal fist would have come in handy when that thing grabbed me in the dark. I’ve also started deciphering the spellbook. Turns out the first spell contained within is an ancient Thassilonian spell that allows you to use your own blood to fuel spells that require magical reagents. Yeah, I started hearing the cries of “Maleficarum!” as soon as I read it too. But let’s be honest, it could come in handy. I’ve already copied it over.
We reach Sandpoint tomorrow, if our estimations are correct. We’ll sell off this junk we’ve collected and get our bearings from there. I’ll keep writing in this journal as I get the opportunity. Until then, keep your stick on the ice.
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