“I won’t say it again. Identify yourself, Black Bloc scum, or I’ll put three bullets in you before you can take a step.”
He was bluffing, or simply mistaken. I estimated that there was a ninety percent chance that Aurora could have him disarmed and on the ground before he got off two shots. And there was only a five percent chance that he would hit either of us with more than a grazing wound in the process – no problem for someone with a dozen healing potions in his bag.
But the shot would be heard by others. And again, we’d probably be able to take them easily, but it would draw unnecessary attention. If possible, I had to talk my way past this. But how? I wasn’t sure what he meant by “Black Bloc”. The term sounded familiar, but was he really talking about the same Black Bloc I was thinking of? It was a possibility, and if so, I could easily talk my way past it, but what if I was wrong?
I could play ignorant. That would work if I had a good reason. I certainly couldn’t just tell him I had been on another planet for a decade. Play off as a foreigner, maybe? That could work, but the slight twang in his accent suggested to me that he might not be amenable to foreigners. Still, it was the best idea. And there was one nationality that I figured would be safe.
“Pardon me, sir,” I said in a calm, British accent. “I’m afraid I’m not sure what it is we’re accused of being. You see, our motorcar broke down a few miles from here and my mistress’ cell phone seems to have a drained battery, and even if we were able to do so, I seem to have misplaced my billfold, so I could not pay for a taxicab if we were able to flag one down.”
“Then what are you doing in this area?”
“We were walking back to our hotel, but it’s so very hot, so when we saw the shade over here, my mistress decided we could rest here for a few minutes.”
The man considered for a moment, then lowered his gun. “Yeah, it his pretty damn hot. What’s up with the coat?”
“Well, sir, as a butler, it would be unthinkable to be in public without being fully dressed.”
I waited until he looked away for a second and quietly activated my bracers, changing my clothes to a fine suit and my coat into a traditional tailcoat. I also activated my hat to change my features, which turned the hat into a ribbon tied around my short scholar’s ponytail. When he turned back, he seemed surprised at the change, but ended up assuming he was mistaken about what I had looked like before.
Because there was no way I could possible have changed, thus I must have always looked like this. I could get weeks of enjoyment out of screwing with people via change blindness.
“Oh damn. You poor bastard. Come on, this place isn’t safe. I’ll help the two of you get back out of the no go zone. I’m John,” he said, holding out his hand.
I shook his hand. “I’m Sebastian. And this is Lady Sofija, wife to my master, Lord Victor, second son of the younger brother to the Earl of Clarendon.” He would never look it up. But still, I wanted to make sure. “Juiz,” I said through my telepathic interface, “as soon as you’re able to get onto the internet, please edit any information on Wikipedia to confirm the existence of such a person.”
“Acknowledged,” Juiz responded in my mind.
“Dear, if anyone talks to you, I need you to pretend that you don’t speak much English,” I said in Taldan. “Pepper in a few words here or there, but act like you’re still struggling with it.”
“What are you playing at?” she asked.
“I’m not sure. But let’s try to be consistent until I figure out if this is a good idea. At the very least, it should give us a way to hide your unfamiliarity with some Earth related topics.”
“What language was that?” John asked.
“My pardons, but Lady Sofija doesn’t speak much English. That was Croatian.” Odds were high that wouldn’t be a language he had any familiarity with.
“Croatian?”
“It’s from a small country in Europe, near Hungary and Serbia, just across the Adriatic Sea from Italy.”
“Oh! Near Italy!” His excitement suddenly turned somber. “Damn shame what’s happened to Europe.” Wait. What was going on in Europe? Had the world gone mad while I was gone?
We needed to find somewhere I could think for a bit, where Juiz could get onto the internet and do some research. “Excuse me sir, but Lord Victor told us that there was a restaurant we had to try while we were here. He said it was his favorite place to visit when he was here, visiting his old university chums, so Lady Sofija has been quite keen on visiting it. Perhaps you could point us to it? I asked at the hotel, and they refused to answer me, for some reason.”
“Well, I could sure try, mister Sebastian. What’s the name of this place your master has given such glowing praise?”
“I believe that it was called, oh heavens, what was it? Oh, yes, ‘Taco Bell’, I believe it was. We were driving in search of one when our motorcar broke down.”
The man laughed. “Sebastian, you’re alright in my book. There’s a Taco Bell not too far from here.”
“Truly? Then if you could give me directions, or perhaps the address, I shall be able to fulfill my duty and take the mistress there just as soon as I retrieve my billfold from our hotel.”
“I’m sure you’re both hungry,” the man said, pulling out his wallet. “Look, here’s twenty bucks. That will more than cover both of you.”
“That is not necessary, sir.”
“I insist. Think of it as doing my good, Christian duty, helping folks in need. It’s what Jesus would want me to do.”
“Then I would not want to offend and will gratefully accept. Might I inquire how I might contact you to repay you later?”
“It’s unnecessary. Just pay it forward. Help out someone else when you have the opportunity.”
“I most assuredly will. Thank you.”
Aurora and I began heading to the Taco Bell, and on the way I had Juiz begin working to secure us some funds. Even if inflation hadn’t had much effect while I was gone, twenty bucks wouldn’t get us far. The problem was doing it both legally – or at least, not stealing money from anyone – and in a way that wouldn’t draw attention to us.
The first option was to try to access my secret foreign bank account. Yeah, I had one of those. I’d set it up during my time where Samantha had sent me to the past. Only problem was that the bank no longer existed, somehow. Crap. I’d been worried about that. Oh well, that’s why I’d only put a couple grand in there.
Next, I had Juiz check the existence of my regular bank accounts. Surprisingly, they were still there, but they were set up with a number of high level trips. Even inquiring about them had likely set off a number of alarm bells somewhere, though I had no idea where. I was tempted to have Juiz track the trips and see who was watching my money, but I couldn’t be completely sure they wouldn’t be able to trace her back to us, and with my current uncertainty, I couldn’t risk it.
Even if my accounts currently held a cumulative seven billion dollars.
Yes. Billion. With a B. And I had thought I was just rich on Golarion. So much for what I thought I knew. But how had it happened? As far as I could figure, either my trading orders had been more lucrative than I had thought, or my patented technology had been successful beyond my imaginings. Maybe both.
In the end, we settled for Bitcoin mining. Juiz would pose as an absurdly powerful conventional rig and mine at a rate that should get us a couple grand by the end of lunch. Then we could access a Bitcoin ATM – I don’t remember those being a thing when I left, but they were apparently a thing now – and get it out in cash.
In theory, we could have just had Juiz mine at full speed, but that would have drawn way too much attention, and we shouldn’t need nearly that much money. Especially since an ATM couldn’t possibly have that much in it.
We arrived at the Taco Bell, and my nose was filled with familiar scents. I examined the menu for several moments. “What should I get?” Aurora asked in Taldan.
“It’s mostly all the same thing,” I said, maintaining my British accent. “That’s the secret. There are just one or two things that are really different like… huh.” I flagged down an employee. “Excuse me, sir, but I cannot seem to locate any Doritos Locos tacos on the menu.”
“Doritos what now?”
What. “Doritos Locos tacos. They’re like regular tacos, but with a shell made out of Doritos.”
“I’ve never heard of those. Let me ask my manager.” He turned to the back. “Hey, Jorge, do we have any Doritos tacos or something like that?”
“Doritos Locos tacos? Naw, man, we haven’t had those in five years.” Oh dear God no. No. No no no no no.
<Don’t you think you were being a little melodramatic?>
<Hush, you.>
“Why do you ask?” the manager asked his employee.
‘This customer was asking about it.”
“You hadn’t heard we’d discontinued them?” the thirty-something year old manager in the impeccably clean uniform asked me.
Aw crap. I’d need a good reason not to know. “My pardons, sir, but I haven’t been to the States since I finished my time here at Uni. Many a night of studying was passed with nothing but a cup of tea and a twelve pack of tacos shared with my mates. I had so looked forward to trying them once more. A pity. What would you recommend then, gentlemen?” My accent was nowhere near good enough to full actual British people, but I wasn’t too upset with it. It would pass here among my fellow Americans in the desert southwest.
“The low carb steak nachos are pretty good,” the register clerk said.
“What are those?”
“It’s like a Nachos Bell Grande, but with wedges of crispy fried steak instead of chips. Get it without the beans and it has only one carb per serving.”
That… sounded weird. But then again, what at Taco Bell didn’t? “Very well, gentlemen. We shall have one of those and two of the number sixteens.” At least the basic tacos and bean burritos probably wouldn’t have changed.
Or, at least, I hoped not.
While we ate, I popped up my holographic computer interface and began browsing the web, trying to learn what the hell was going on and what precisely had happened while I was gone. First, I did what everyone does when they’ve been off the internet for a while and ran my own name through a search engine.
Oh boy, I probably should have started with a less confusing topic.
I had become a part of modern mythology. In releasing the technology for the O’Halloran Battery right before disappearing, then others over time while gone, I had captured the imagination of a culture. My tech had revolutionized the way we looked at much of the world, and it hinted at tantalizing new possibilities to come. In a world that needed it, I had become a symbol of hope, the king in the mountain who would one day return to liberate my people. A modern American King Arthur, which was a laugh since I had known the real Arthur in a past life and he was kind of a douche.
Just like Bigfoot, everyone knew someone whose cousin or friend claimed to have seen me recently. There was a standing bounty of ten million dollars for photographic proof that I was still alive. There were memes. My face was on T-shirts.
Also, there was a movie about me. A feature length movie. It was in theaters. And I had no idea who the actor was that played me, but apparently he was in the live action Rick and Morty movie that came out a year later, which killed his career.
Despite being a number one box office draw its first weekend, the plot was a mess. It was based on one of the theories for my disappearance, one that involved me being recruited by some shadowy government agency to work on some kind of secret project to colonize Mars or the moon or something. Like I said, it was a mess.
And that was one of the more sane theories. There were actually people who believed I’d disappeared because I’d gone to some adult version of Hogwarts, or that I had somehow created some kind of virtual world and had gotten sucked into it like some kind of anime. And, of course, there were the “abducted by aliens” proponents, who actually weren’t entirely wrong if you think about it.
And then there were the internet shenanigans. Apparently it was so common for people to pretend to be me online that it was common practice on many online boards to lockout the ability to create a username that matched my old Twitter handle – which was the same as my PSN ID – or variations of my real name.
But if you thought the stuff around me was what bothered me most, I have to tell you just how wrong you are. You see, I’d been gone a bit over eleven years, from March 2014 to August 2025. Only a bit more than a decade.
And in that time, the world had gone insane.
The first couple years weren’t too bad. There were a few events that seemed to come out of left field, but nothing too weird. It wasn’t until sometime in the second year of President Trump’s term – yeah, that revelation shocked me a little – when people began losing their minds in earnest.
It wasn’t clear who had struck first, but when the dust cleared, the US was in the middle of a low-key civil war, with roving bands of Anti-Trump forces – “The Black Bloc”, as they called themselves – fighting what was more or less a violent gang war with the Pro-Trump coalition – which called itself “The New Patriots”. Somewhere between a third and half of the nation was on one side or another, with another third actually supporting one side but not getting involved. The man we’d met upon arrival had probably been one of the New Patriots, and from what I was reading, we’d been lucky that he had been such a chill guy. Neither side had a monopoly on extreme violence.
After four attempts on his life, the President had to go into hiding. After that, the US had no president, as several candidates were simply assassinated during the campaign. The job fell to the next in line, with the Speaker of the House effectively just being handed the job after each election. He did his work from a secure bunker, and I can’t exactly say I blame him.
With the US too distracted to do anything, the rest of the world had lost its collective mind. North Korea had invaded the south. Russia had annexed Ukraine. China had invaded Japan – anime production was nonexistent, dammit.
There was constant strife in Europe, with terror attacks multiple times a week and several nations openly skirmishing at their borders. And if that didn’t beat all, the European army – how the hell was that a thing? – led by Germany, had invaded Poland for some reason I was still having trouble understanding.
South America was plagued by drug cartels warring openly in the street, sometimes even assuming de-facto control of entire nations. And don’t even get me started on the renewed pace of fighting and genocide in parts of Africa and the Middle East.
I’ve mentioned only two factions in the US trouble, but there were several others. Most were just trying to protect their communities against the predations of the larger groups, but there were others trying to figure out what had really happened and find a solution to reunify the nation.
One of these was a group that called itself “The Gamer Uprising”, and had had its start in the days before everything had gone to hell. I knew a few people – at least in passing – involved within it, so I might have been inclined give them more of a benefit of the doubt than I might otherwise.
Hell, one of them had been at the paintball event when I’d left with Samantha. I think he was the leader of the other team, actually.
They had a secret board, hidden within the Dark Web, where they discussed what was going on and searched for a pattern. And surprisingly, they had found one. Each piece of evidence was flimsy on its own, but together they made the case that someone, possibly an organization, was behind everything. And this wasn’t goofy conspiracy level stuff. It passed the sniff test.
I was really irritated when I found them, mostly thanks to everything else I’d seen. So I had Juiz hack into their system – there was almost no encryption in existence that could even slow Juiz down very much thanks to the wonder of quantum computing – and give me access to the account they’d created with my Twitter handle. Then I posted something, first in Draconic – they had managed to figure out that it was me who had translated the Voynich thing – then in English.
“I leave you people alone for a bit over a decade, and when I return this is what I find? A world in chaos? Well, that ends today. I am going to figure out who is behind this, and I’m going to put a stop to it, one way or another.
“I was looking forward to relaxing and enjoying all the new anime, but now you tell me there hasn’t been any because you people couldn’t hold in your spaghetti for a single decade? What the hell.
“This era of unchecked rage and strife WILL end and we will regain our future. This I swear to you.”
It took less time for someone to respond than it took for me to finish my bean burrito. “Holy crap. The Voynich language checks out. I think he’s the real deal!” one of the board’s moderators had posted.
Another, who went by the handle “BasedFishGoat”, which I recognized as being the one who had led the effort to put figure out who was behind everything, posted the lyrics to a song from a game, because these were still gamers, and thus, still dorks. My people.
We drink to our youth, for days come and gone
For the Age of Aggression is just about done
We’ll drive out the Stormcloaks and restore what we own
With our blood and our steel we will take back our home
At which point, he got into a nerd fight with someone going by the name “AegisofAquarius” about whether they should be using the lyrics to the mirror song, “Age of Oppression” instead.
“I wonder if the fact that those are both zodiac names means something,” Kira said in our mind.
“No idea. Those seem to be the only two users there who have names that relate to the zodiac, unless a name with a play on melanoma is somehow an allusion to the sign Cancer,” I replied silently.
I made a show of hooking the speaker that wirelessly connects to my telepathic interface to my computer, in case anyone was watching, then pretended like we were doing a VOIP call, so that Aurora, Juiz, Kira and I could chat as I filled Aurora in on what was going on. Luckily, there was no chance anyone here would know Taldan and eavesdrop.
After I explained everything, Aurora raised a question. “Won’t what you’ve done just feed into people’s perception of you as some kind of savior?”
“At this point, it might be necessary,” I said.
“How’s that?”
“Look around,” I said. “We’re two individuals with non-local accents, dressed in strange clothing. Granted, the clothes I made for you before the trip are more or less Earth standard, they certainly have elements inspired by Golarion, and obviously scream that you have wealth. And I’m in a full butler getup. People should be staring at us.”
“Would they really?” Aurora asked.
“Absolutely,” Kira said. “Kyle’s right. Americans are a curious people. They should be staring, and asking what brings us here.”
“But they’re not,” I continued. “Instead, they’re intent on eating quickly, and seem beyond skittish. If you get up too quickly, at least three people nonchalantly put their hands on their guns, ready for trouble. They look exhausted and terrified. And if what I’ve read is to be believed, it’s probable that this isn’t an isolated thing.”
“So what do we do?” Aurora asked.
“For now? We find an ATM, secure a vehicle and we find our family. Then we begin finding a way to fix things.”
Before I closed the computer, I decided to post one last thing, interrupting the continuing argument and speculation. It was singing, a remembrance of the words that those people in Magnimar had sung, created by using the telepathic interface to record my voice without speaking.
Shadows fall, and hope has fled
Steel your heart, the dawn will come
The night is long, and the path is dark
Look to the sky, for one day soon
The dawn will come
No. I had decided that more than these people, but the whole world needed something good, hope in these dark times. I wasn’t sure if I could stop the fighting, but I could bring some hope. And right now, that would be good enough.
“Please,” I posted. “I need your help. I need you to spread the following two messages: ‘Dawn is coming.’ and ‘Praise the sun.’ Do not mention me, but if at all possible, I need everyone in America, or the world if possible, to have seen at least one of those two phrases within the next twelve hours, if possible.”
“You kidding?” responded BasedFishGoat. “We once argued so hard about pineapple pizza that it got national attention. And we were just playing around. We’ve got this. It’s good to have you back.”
As we went to the ATM, Juiz tried to find information on my family without hacking into governmental databases, since we didn’t want to risk revealing our location until we knew more about what was going on. Aside from really basic stuff, it was hard to find. It was almost as if someone was hiding the info.
Well, there was one option. My father’s shop was still open. And it wouldn’t be too out of place for a butler to walk into a tailor’s shop, so we could bypass anyone watching him fairly easily.
Finding a taxi that accepted cash was a bit harder than expected, but we managed. And less than an hour later, we were standing outside of “Thus Bespoke Zarathustra”, a high quality traditional tailor’s shop in a shopping center near downtown. And boy was it being watched.
“I’m counting six people outside the shop watching it,” Kira said.
“Eight,” I responded. “The two men over at the café seem to be paying attention, and one of them has a camera in his lap.”
“Why a camera?”
“Paparazzi?” I answered, only having a guess at this point.
“What do we do?” Aurora asked.
“We go in like nothing’s out of the ordinary. Follow my lead. Juiz, check for any kind of bugs while we’re inside.” Of course, I wasn’t sure if we’d be able to do anything about laser microphones, but I had magic that would allow us to chat privately even if that was the case. Or at least, I would have if I had thought to prepare it. But now it was too late to go sit down with my spellbook, we were already here.
We entered the shop and were greeted by a voice from the back room. “Greetings, folks. I’m just finishing up the last touches on another customer’s order and will be right with you.”
“Take your time, sir,” I responded, maintaining my British accent even now. “It will be some hours before we can check into our hotel rooms, anyway.”
We looked around the shop, which was just as I remembered it, for a couple minutes before an older gentleman in impeccable attire came out to greet us. The years had not been kind to my father, who had aged considerably in the decade I had been gone. He looked at least five years older than he actually was, his hair having gone fully gray and wrinkles having formed where his brow had been oft-furled in worry.
“Now, how can I help you this fine afternoon?” he asked.
“Well, good sir, I have come in because my things were lost during our flight from England. It would not be fitting for my mistress to be served by a butler in unwashed clothing, so my mistress decided most graciously that we would seek out a shop where I could rectify this situation. It was much to my delight when I discovered that there was an establishment such as this in the city we were visiting.”
“Well, then, let’s get you measured,” he said with a smile. “What brings you all the way to Tucson, Mister –“
“I am called Sebastian, good sir.”
“Call me Michael, Sebastian.”
“Of course, sir.” Like hell I was calling my father by his first name.
“And what is your name, miss?” he asked Aurora.
I gave her a subtle nod. “I am Aurora,” she said.
“Like the Northern Lights? A lovely name for a lovely young woman. So, tell me, what brings you to Tucson?” he asked as he began measuring me.
“I have come to escort the mistress to meet the master’s family.”
“Is he an American?” he asked. I could tell he already had minor suspicions about our story. It was likely he’d been dealing with paparazzi for some time, so I couldn’t blame him.
“Yes sir, though he does hold several foreign titles as well.” I listed off several of my titles in Taldan. “I’m afraid that most of those do not translate well to English.”
“I must admit, I am curious that a man with such prestige would have his family living here.”
“Retirees,” I deflected. “It is much warmer here than back in Europe, you see.”
He laughed. “I can understand that. Though I must admit that it isn’t the safe place it used to be.”
“That is quite alright, sir. His man, Percival, remains with his family to keep an eye on them.”
My father’s eyes grew wide and he gave me a questioning look. I nodded in response. “I see,” he said. “With a knightly name like that, it is certain that they will be fine.”
“Quite true, yes. Though, I sensed that there was something personal in your voice when you called this place unsafe. Tell me, if I do not overstep my bounds in asking, but has something happened to someone you know?” I had to ask, but I was terrified of the answer.
“Have you seen the hospital?” he asked.
“Yes, it was quite surprising to see all that damage. What happened?”
“My daughter was a surgeon there. She was working the day of the terrorist bombing. She’s a good person and a wonderful mother, and now she’s lying at home, dying of radiation poisoning because some bastards wanted to kill some politician who was there visiting a family member.”
I mouthed the word “Katie”, and he nodded. It was all I could do not to dash out of there that instant. “Radiation poisoning? Was it a dirty bomb?”
“No, I don’t think so. Investigators say that the bomb broke some containers in the hospital and she was exposed.”
“I see.”
We continued making small talk for some time while quietly passing back bits and pieces of information. I confirmed that my parents still owned their house, and that Katie was there, along with my other two sisters and possibly Kenneth – I still refuse to call him Ken – but that the place was being watched by the FBI for some reason, though they maintained only perimeter and aerial surveillance. Which meant that if I could get to the front door without being seen, we’d likely be okay.
And that I could do. I just needed to prepare a spell or three to do it. “Pardon me, sir, but may I use your lavatory? We ate at some place called ‘Taco Bell’ for lunch, and I fear that it is not agreeing with me.”
“Sure thing. I need a few minutes to log your measurements and pull up my program so we can decide on which style of suit to make for you.”
I headed to the restroom and prepared what I needed, all the while faking sounds of distress in case one of the bugs was close enough to listen in to the bathroom. Afterward, I washed up and headed back into the shop. My dad and Aurora were making small talk when I returned, so I hid and listened in.
“You’re going to be a mother?” he was asking her. “You seem quite young for that, yet.”
“I have seen twenty five winters,” Aurora protested. “Many girls from my home have children much younger.”
“Do you love the child’s father?”
“With all my heart,” she answered. “Though I must admit, I was surprised to find it thus. It snuck up on me, bit by bit. I only finally admitted to how I felt after he was in an accident. I thought he had died, and I was so scared that I proposed marriage to him moments after I learned he was safe.”
“I assume that he accepted your offer?”
“He made no secret of how he felt about me. In truth, I suspect that he knew how I felt too, but even then, those few seconds were agonizing as I waited for his response.”
I carefully went back and shut the door loudly, to let them know I was coming. “Pardon me, mistress, but I have just noticed the time. It appears that our errand has run long, and if we do not hurry, we may miss our scheduled meeting.”
“But we haven’t decided on your suit,” my father protested.
“Good sir, I can see from your shop that you are not only a consummate professional, but a man of impeccable taste. You have my measurements and know my profession and needs for the suit. I shall trust your judgment in this matter. Along with my deposit, I shall give you my business card. Please call me when you are done and I shall return as soon as time permits to retrieve my suit. Actually, you had better make that two suits. I fear the weather here will necessitate more frequent washing than I would like.”
“Of course, that will be fine.”
Along with the money, I handed him a blank business card, on which I had written, “Don’t worry. Katie will be okay. I can save her.” Immediately after he read it, the magical ink faded and I saw him nod, a single tear in his eye.
“Now, mistress, shall we be off? I fear that cabbie will get bored of waiting and run off, regardless of how much we gave him to wait.”
“Of course, Sebastian,” she said. She then shook my dad’s hand. “It was very nice meeting you, sir.”
“You as well, dear girl.”
After a few blocks, just as we were sure no one was following us, we suddenly found the intersection we were at surrounded by several military vehicles. Soldiers poured out and were looking around, trying to find something. “That can’t be a coincidence,” Kira said.
“Agreed. Please put your vehicle in park,” I told the cab driver. “I suspect we aren’t going anywhere until they finish what they’re doing.”
He did so. “Well, then I guess we get comfortable and…” then he was asleep, knocked unconscious by my spell.
“Juiz, fry his camera’s memory. Aurora, we’re teleporting.”
“Right!” she said, grabbing ahold of me as I cast the spell.
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