I was feeling pretty good after that hot tub soak. Yeah, I wasn’t joking about how much I needed that. Then I met everyone in the movie theater I’d put into this iteration of the magical mansion. Ghostly servants were already preparing hot buttered popcorn, nachos, hot dogs, pepperoni pizza and ice cold sodas when I arrived.
I love this spell.
My wife apparently loves this spell too. She had every single one of those things on a tray before her. Also, a pickle. Because apparently a magic ring is no match for pregnancy hormones.
“Juiz, have you finished editing the footage?” I’d asked her to cut boring portions so we didn’t have to watch random stuff going on that had no bearing on what we wanted to watch.
“Editing complete. Footage length reduced ninety-seven percent. Audio has been cleaned up to adjust for signal degradation.”
“THIS SAUSAGE IS WEIRD!” Lenn said, taking a bite of his hot dog.
“This is a traditional food of my people, Lenn,” I protested.
“YOUR PEOPLE ARE WEIRD!”
I couldn’t really argue with that. “Try it with some mustard and pickle relish.” Oh, right. This was Lenn. “The yellow one and the green one.”
He did so and took a bite. “THIS IS BETTER.”
“Glad you like it. You should also try the pepperoni and sausage pizza, big guy.” Then I left him to check on Paulie, who was playing with his candies, trying to toss each chocolate raisin into the air and catch it. He seemed to be averaging about fifty percent.
Geo was studying his soda. “This is fascinating,” he said. “It seems to be an edible acid mixed with sugar. By all measure it should not be good, yet I cannot stop drinking it. Tell me, is this ‘Doctor Pepper’ a purveyor of illicit drugs? Because this product seems addictive.”
“No more than other sugar-laden products, I think. However, it is said that Dr. Pepper is the intellectual drink of the chosen ones.”
“Absolutely fascinating,” he said again, taking another sip.
“Be sure to pace yourself. We’re not stopping the movie mid-way if you need to use the little boy’s room.”
“What use would I have for a room owned by a child?”
What. “It’s just one of those mysteries. You’ll understand it when you need it.”
“Interesting group you have here,” Chadwick commented.
“True dot dee ayy tee,” I replied.
“What?”
“Stupid pun from back home. Don’t worry about it.” I looked around. “Everyone seems to have their snacks,” I said to my companions. “So let’s get this movie started!”
At my request, Juiz had given the recording a musical score. The screen projected nothing, but Copland’s “Fanfare for the Common Man” began playing, then the screen faded in, showing a montage of Orik and his people training, running drills that I’d taught them. In slow motion.
I’m giving Juiz a directorial budget and letting her go nuts when we get home.
There were scenes of drama as Orik and one of the other chosen pilots flirted, but another man, not a pilot, looked obviously jealous. Throughout the film, Juiz had actually cut together enough scenes of the two that I was seriously beginning to worry that one of them was going to die heroically later for maximum emotional appeal. I mean, seriously. The first fifteen minutes was character exposition and relationship buildup with only hints of their dangerous task.
Dark clouds heralded the coming attack. It seemed to be the third or fourth day of the film based on how much one character’s beard had grown after being seen in the background shaving earlier. Unless he’d shaved again since then during unshown scenes. It was unlikely that much more than that had passed, though, considering how long we’d been gone.
As the clouds began to collect and the tides began to roil, the wind picked up. Mozart’s “Lacrimosa” accompanied a full minute and a half of shots of the weather darkening, as seen from several stationary cameras I’d hidden through the town.
The tone shifted as the skies were now black. The landscape had taken on the pallor of twilight. And Holst’s “Mars, Bringer of War” had begun playing, softly at first, but rising to a crescendo as the first creature rose from the sea.
This vydrarch was as big as the biggest one we’d fought before. The one I had to eat my way into – not a statement I’d have thought I’d ever write, by the way. But it wasn’t the largest one. That comes later, though. For now, this one was accompanied by a dozen of the smaller ones. You know, just the ones that regularly sink ships. So, no biggie.
Meanwhile, as the watch sounded the alarm, Orik was scrambling to get ready. He was obviously unhappy with the suit I’d given him, struggling desperately to put it on. He even called me… well, I won’t repeat it here. Needless to say, it was pretty bad.
When it was on, he hit the button that vacuumed out all the excess air, making the suit truly skin-tight. He then donned the helmet. Not many men can pull off a one-piece spandex-like suit like that. But Orik looked pretty good in black and white.
He made his way through the city, fighting past fleeing civilians. There was a ton of radio chatter as he was running. I had made enough radios for all of the higher ranking guards, but even they lacked the discipline to cut the chatter to a required minimum.
Orik rounded a corner and ran smack into one of the lesser vydrarchs. It was distracted by several guards, but it was blocking the path. Suddenly, a figure popped out of a nearby door and dragged him into the home.
“What the hell is he doing there?” I asked aloud upon seeing the face of the one who had pulled Orik into the building.
“Who is that?” Chadwick asked.
“That’s the street prophet who I met before all of this started, the one who prophesized that I would need to build something to save the city. I’ve nicknamed him ‘Trashpile Terrance’, since I never got his real name.”
“What is the meaning of this?” Orik asked the weird hobo.
“The Maker has decreed that you are his champion. There was danger ahead, so I had to pull you to safety.”
“’The Maker’?” Both Orik and I asked simultaneously.
“It’s a cult,” Chadwick said. “They worship you.”
“What.”
He didn’t answer and we returned our focus to the movie. “The Maker has chosen to protect this city, and fill it with many tokens of His divine love for the people. We, His children, will do everything we can to help you fulfill His divine will.”
“I’ll take all the help I can get. But we’re trapped here and there are children. This building won’t survive a direct hit from that thing. There’s a fortified shelter down the street. Keep behind me and we’ll get you all to safety.”
“You need not worry, Champion. The Maker will take care of His faithful.” Great. As if I didn’t have enough responsibilities. Now people expected me to be God, too? Screw that.
“Well, I won’t be able to do my job if I’m worried about civilians behind me. I’ll get its attention. You get these people to the shelter.” Nickelback’s “Hero” had begun playing in the background.
“But Champion, how can you possibly do this and stay safe?”
Orik examined the home’s door. “It’s like you said.” He ripped the door off its frame. “The Maker will provide, right?” So help me, I was putting on adamantine-toed boots and kicking Orik square in dangley-bag if he started worshipping me.
Orik charged out, smacking the beast with the door and moving past it, all the while shouting to get its attention. For a moment, it seemed to be working. Then one of the serpent heads bit at him, getting thet door caught in its mouth. For a moment, it seemed like there was an impasse, for that head at least. It had taken his shield, but it couldn’t attack. And the other head was busy with a guard.
Everything changed when a child cried out – the soundtrack included – and the serpent’s heads both whipped around to find the easier prey. “Throw me your mace!” Orik commanded the guard. The man did as he was told without thinking.
Orik ran past the serpent, towards the child. For a moment, it looked grim, but suddenly he gained a burst of speed – the hobo was there, and he had cast a spell! – and made it just in time. He swung with all of his might, striking the darting serpent and deflecting its head enough to just miss the child.
Keyed up by the sight and the music, I leapt from my seat and roared, “RULES OF NATURE!” while thrusting my fist into the air. Everyone was staring at me. “What?” I asked, slightly embarrassed as I sat back down.
The serpents prepared for a dual strike. “Get the child out of here!” Orik ordered the hobo.
“Be safe, Champion!”
It didn’t look good for Orik. He could maybe deflect or dodge one. But two? Nope. It felt like we were about to watch Orik die. But then the Maker provided.
The vydrarch roared in pain as the giant metallic lion slammed into it. “Orik!” a man’s voice called over the speaker on the lion. “Hurry! You have to get to your lion! I’ve got this.”
“I’m on my way.” He tapped his microphone. “ETA, two minutes!”
The hobo healed Orik’s cuts and scrapes and the warrior rushed to the place where he would enter a secret door and take a chute down into his lion. Only, there was a lamia waiting for him. “End of the line for you!” Lucrecia crowed.
“I see it differently,” Orik quipped to the blind lamia as he charged.
“Even if you beat me, I’ve already won. The queen will be unstoppable without your precious construct.”
It was a hard fight, but when it was over, Orik tossed aside the bloody mace and stepped over the corpse of perhaps our most persistent foe. He tapped his radio. “I’m at the site. Lucrecia is dead, but she sounded like she may have sabotaged something. Someone contact that geth thing and see if it can repair any damage done.”
“Sabotage already located and repaired, Orik-Pilot,” Faraday’s voice answered over the radio. “You may engage systems when ready.”
“About damn time!” one of the other pilots roared over the radio.
“Glad you could join us, buddy,” another agreed.
“I’ve already taken care of things on my end,” the Lord-Mayor’s voice added. “Now hurry and get these things out of my city once and for all.”
“The Potent Rainbow Lions won’t let you down, sir!” came the voice of the mercenary company’s leader.
Orik took the slide down into the cockpit. In mere seconds, he had gone from the medieval to the twenty second century, or perhaps beyond. I really hoped he had spent enough time in the simulator. He began hitting the buttons in the right sequence, which did a lot to alleviate my fears. The platrom the lion was on began to rise and the illusory building faded away.
“Converge on the central core,” Orik ordered over the lions’ secure communication channel. “Take out any easy targets on the way, but I want you there in three minutes! Avoid collateral damage as much as possible. There are civilians down there.”
“Lion Red, acknowledged.”
“Lion Green, acknowledged.”
“Lion Yellow, acknowledged! Let’s kick their asses.”
“Lion Blue, acknowledged. Good luck, Orik.” This last was the voice of the young woman Orik had been chatting with before.
Orik’s lion – Lion Black – charged forward as he placed his hands on the controls. In truth, the whole thing ran on a telepathic uplink, but I found that having controls soothes the pilot’s mind. And in even further truth, I could totally have had them all run on VI systems, but I really wanted a human there in case something not covered in the VI programming came up.
Lion Black made short work of one of the medium vydrarchs, demoting what had seemed like a boss before into little more than a goon, in fine videogame fashion. It bounded through the streets, leaping over buldings and not even stopping to fight the “little” guys, which it ended with rockets and lasers.
The radio signaled. “Coastal watch is reporting the arrival of the largest of these things yet. It’s massive! Easily two or three times the size of the previous large ones!”
“Hear that?” Orik called over the secure com. “That must be the Queen that Lucrecia mentioned. We are running out of time. Everyone get there on the double!”
“Yes, sir!” the others called back in unison.
Less than a minute from his target – the grounds of the Lord-Mayor’s mansion – Orik flipped the switch to commence the transformation sequence. Music began to play from speakers throughout the city, and then my voice began to speak where all could hear.
“From days of long ago, from uncharted regions of the universe, comes a legend. The legend of Voltron: Defender of the Universe. A mighty robot, loved by good, feared by evil. As Voltron’s legend grew, peace settled across the galaxy. On Planet Earth, a Galaxy Alliance was formed. Together with the good planets of the cosmos, they maintained peace throughout the universe until a new horrible menace threatened the galaxy. Voltron was needed once more.”
“Does he have to be so gods-damned dramatic?” Orik asked, rolling his eyes.
I was suddenly aware that most of the people in the room were giving me looks. “It’s an important part of the magic,” I insisted.
“Right. You tell yourself that,” Chadwick teased.
On screen, the central unit began to crackle with electricity – also entirely necessary, I swear! – as the final lion reached the courtyard. The fusion core roared as the lions began to transform into their necessary parts. But nothing happened beyond that.
“Orik, I think you have to say it,” one of the other pilots suggested.
“Oh for the love of… fine.” He sighed, then took a deep breath. “Form feet and legs! Form arms and body! And, I’ll form the head!”
As Orik spoke, the different lions took their places, levitated into place by the electromagnets in the central unit – see, I told you it was necessary. When it was over, a colossus towered above the Lord-Mayor’s mansion.
Orik gave the camera he couldn’t see a smirk and the soundtrack changed to the theme from Pacific Rim. “Okay, let’s do this. Head straight for the queen!”
On the coastline, within the shallow water, was where the colossus met the monster. She let out a horrifying roar, but Voltron stood stoic. They charged each other, two lion-faced hands grappling massive serpent heads while a third tried in vain to bite into the machine.
“Plasma-throwers!” Orik ordered. Two of the lion faces – one hand and one foot – unleashed gouts of electrically charged plasma. The monster roared in pain and stepped back, but was still more or less fine. “Try the ice gun!”
The other hand stretched out and unleashed a spray of flash-frozen icicles. The monster dodged into the water. It seemed to disappear entirely.
“It could come from anywhere. Keep your eyes open and be ready for anything!”
It was almost a minute – a very tense minute – before the monster surfaced again. It came up from behind them, grappling the machine and launching it backwards, where it crashed into one of the buildings on the shoreline – a marina, I think.
“This thing has taken everything we can throw at it!” one of the pilots wailed.
“Not everything!” Orik said, his lips parting into a wolfish expression. “Hit it with everything we have from ranged to make it mad. Then let it get close and be ready on my signal!”
“Understood!”
“I hope this works,” another said almost meekly.
“Of course it will! Believe in ourselves!” the young woman said. I swear, how did they find someone with just the right amount of upbeat to be Princess Allura?
Blast after blast, from rockets to railguns to elemental weapons of all types, struck the enemy, angering it more than hurting it. But those were never the weapons I intended to finish the fight, and Orik knew that. As predicted, the monster charged.
It was less than fifty yards away when Orik gave the signal. “Now! FORM BLAZING SWORD!”
The two lion-faced arms slammed together. In in the right one appeared massive cylinder. As they pulled apart, the fusion core vented its secondary payload through the left lion, forming a massive blade of highly compressed molten metal in the magnetic field created by the cylinder.
It was the closest thing I could make to a lightsaber. I called it a Thanix Blade, after a “beam” weapon from a different game.
The queen couldn’t stop her charge. The momentum was too great. So she slammed right into the extended blade. “Weren’t expecting that, were you!” Orik crowed. “Release magnetic field!”
Molten metal, now free from its bonds, exploded through the monster’s inner flesh like it was so much Styrofoam. Only the beast’s tough hide contained it. She collapsed, her insides completely liquefied and thoroughly cooked.
There was an explosive cheer from all five members of the Voltron Force. “They’re retreating!” came the call over the radio.
“Hear that?” Orik asked. “That’s the sound of more work to do! Every one of those that doesn’t make it back out to see is one fewer to harass ships around here. We still have ammunition, so let’s get moving!”
“Yes, sir!” the others roared enthusiastically.
And that was it. The end of the movie. I mean, there was a montage of them killing fleeing vydrarchs, and then Orik and the young woman forgetting how nervous they were and kissing, but it was pretty much done.
“I bet that would kill a lot of giants,” Lenn commented, uncharacteristically thoughtfully.
“Heh,” Lenntu chuckled in agreement.
“I find your talent for machines of destruction most interesting,” Geo said, his “Jack” personality showing through.
“I want to watch the part where her insides exploded again!” Paulie’s firebug personality added.
“So that’s pretty much it,” Chadwick agreed. “What are you going to do now?”
“I still have plenty of time to get work done before tomorrow,” I answered.
“Right. I’ll go make sure things are going well outside.”
After a few minutes, Aurora and I were the only ones left. I was mostly waiting to see if there was a scene after the credits – Juiz gave herself credit for almost all of the work, by the way. Also, I was enjoying cuddling with my wife in a movie theater.
“Do you really have to go work right now?” Aurora asked.
“I can put it off for a bit. Have something in mind?”
“Well, I’ve never had sex with a god before,” she said impishly.
I threw a piece of popcorn at her but relented, turning my clothes into a toga before throwing her over my shoulder and carrying her off to bed.
Why the toga? Well, if you’re gonna roleplay in bed, might as well look the part, right?
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