We decided to hire a boat to get us to Thistletop. A path through the woods would have been more stealthy, but also more likely to be watched against. Also, this way I didn’t have to walk all the way there. This does leave me with some time to think a bit as the crew does the driving, or whatever it is you call it on a boat.
As we travel towards the goblin stronghold, I find myself thinking a bit more. If this were a production on television or a major motion picture, what kind of music would be playing right now? Would it be filled with an up swell of hope as we move on to what feels like the climax for this chapter of our story, or would there be grim determination with a bit of melancholy foreshadowing the grim fate that awaits us?
Or maybe there would be no music. Maybe it would just be Ron Perlman’s voice narrating “1000 Ways to Die 2: Golarion Boogaloo”. That’s a depressing thought.
And suppose something happens, where it looks like we’re going to die but I somehow manage to pull out a major reversal of fortune. What music would start playing then? I mean, what’s my Theme Music Power Up sound like? Does it kick off with a riff of an electric guitar and open into a heavy metal theme song? Does a singer belt out an anime theme? Maybe it’s the Eighteen Twelve Overture?
Or perhaps it’s Gangnam Style. Jesus tap-dancing Christ, wouldn’t that just take the cake?
On a related note, I will not now, nor ever, confirm nor deny that there’s a video on Youtube of me dancing to that wearing a Guy Fawkes mask.
Well, despite the fact that I can’t see a damn thing through the fog, they tell me that we’re almost there. Will write more later.
~
It’s later, and it has been an interesting infiltration. Since we decided to come during the early morning, hoping the fog would cover our entrance and the daylight would leave the semi-nocturnal goblins somnambulant, it’s now mid-morning. The fog has dissipated and our strategy seems to have paid off.
Yeah, I could have written sluggish in that last paragraph, but how am I supposed to remember words if I don’t use them once in a while?
Anyway, we landed on the beach and then swam over to a cave that looked like a possible back way into the goblin stronghold. Well, I say swam, but really Lenn, Aurora and Geo swam over and then dragged Paulie and me through the water on a rope. Look, I know how to swim, but that’s in a nice placid swimming pool, not the crashing waves and churning waters of the ocean. So I just kinda dead weighted it and got dragged over. Then I helped Aurora back into her armor and we entered the cave.
In hindsight, maybe the ocean route wasn’t our best idea.
I spotted something swimming in a deep pool in the cavern. I wasn’t entirely certain, but it looked like a bunyip, which I only knew about from reading. Imagine a seal mated with a shark and you’d have a fairly good idea of what this thing looked like. I remembered reading that these things were both predatory and territorial, so I attacked immediately, flinging a bit of acid at it. Naturally, I missed.
Then the damn thing let out a howl the likes of which you’ve never heard. I felt the effects upon me and immediately recognized it as fueled by unnatural power. Of course I was terrified. So were my companions. We ran around like idiots for a good thirty or so seconds, the creature lunging at whatever was closest at the time. Eventually managed to wrestle our fear to the ground and turned on the bunyip. It went down rather quickly once we were no longer panicking. I really need to get my friends a copy of the Hitchhiker’s guide.
After killing the thing, we looked carefully in the pool for any signs of another lurking within. What we spotted was something glinting in the light. Naturally we sent our strongest swimmer, Lenn, to investigate the twenty foot deep water. He found bones and some coins, so we decided to pull everything out using Aurora’s net and sift through it for any valuables. Hey, don’t look at me like that. Those people didn’t need them anymore.
If you want to be mad, you should focus on the fact that I was looking for bunyip pups and totally planned to club them if we found any. Corpse robbing really doesn’t compare to shark-seal clubbing, right?
While we looted, we noticed a hole in the ceiling above with a bit of light filtering down. There was a bit of a climb to get there, but it would likely be easy for Lenn. Again I would likely play the role of the dead weight at the end of a rope. Hey, I was tired from all that crafting I’d been doing the last couple days. As we surveyed the hole, a goblin was flung down it, screaming the whole way. He belly flopped and several of my companions had their bows in hand. I’m not entirely certain whose arrow it was hit the goblin hard enough to make it explode, but I want that person on my team at the next archery contest.
I didn’t have the heart to tell them that the goblin had been killed on his hard impact with the water.
Paulie startled me by making a passable imitation of the bunyip’s howl, then I heard the goblins up above scurry off. We waited a few minutes before sending Lenn up to the hole.
Up top, we found ourselves in a large bramble thicket. There were several paths leading off, so we sent Geo to scout ahead. He did that weird thing where his skin(and clothes!) goes chameleon mode and snuck off down a tunnel in the general direction we wanted to travel.
Speaking of Geo, there’s something I’ve forgotten to mention. He has a tentacle now, just growing right out of his forearm. No, I have no idea how it happened. All I know is I don’t think I’m going to be eating anything he cooks ever again.
When Geo returned, he reported that he found another goblin, who held in his hand a sword made of fire. I asked some questions about the properties of the sword and was able to deduce that it was druidic magic. He also told us that there were a number of goblin dogs tied up nearby. I wasn’t about to risk fighting the druid with his backup, at least not without a choke point, so I devised a plan.
Everyone took up positions flanking the bramble tunnel, then Paulie stood by the hole and made his bunyip sound again. I did my best goblin impersonation and shouted for help down the tunnel, saying that the “water beast is climbing up out of the hole! Help!”
We listened intently to the sound of the druid. He whistled for his pet, though I can’t recall the name he called it. He didn’t sound like he believed us. I hadn’t really expected him to. The bunyip climbing up out of the hole wasn’t the lie I was really telling. The lie I wanted him to believe was that it was goblins lying, not intruders.
That lie he bought. He strode out of the tunnel and was brought down by a blinding flurry of blows from either side. His pet, which I identified as a fire-pelt cougar, tried to protect him. We brought it down too. The nearby goblin dogs didn’t seem to find the sounds of fighting to be out of the ordinary and ignored us.
We sent Geo down another path and he found some goblins resting, apparently having recently killed one of their companions. We had heard the scuffle from down below, but hadn’t made out what they had been arguing about. When he returned and told us about it, we decided not to leave any enemies living behind us.
I called out to the goblins. “The druid fell down the hole and is getting eaten by the water beast! Quick! We have to get his shineys before the beast eats them!” Paulie made another bunyip sound and we heard the goblins rushing towards us.
As they came out of the tunnel, they ran straight into the trap we’d set. The first goblin slipped on some grease, landing face first on a couple caltrops. Then his companions ran gleefully on top of him, grinding him to death on the spiky caltrops. Several of them fell on the grease as well, though not on any caltrops. My companions smashed, slashed and shot goblins until only two remained. One of them tripped the other and made a break for it, and was long gone before anyone could catch him, but since he was running away from the path to the keep, we didn’t worry about it much. We just finished off the last living goblin.
We looted the corpses then threw them to the tied up goblin dogs, who ate them gleefully and ignored us as we passed. I wouldn’t be surprised if that wasn’t the first time someone fed them goblin corspes.
I set up a patch of caltrops on the path behind us as we approached the old rope bridge leading out to Thistletop proper. The bridge looked moderately unsafe. Lenn and Geo opted to go first. Geo inspected the other side and decided that the goblins had likely tied it poorly on purpose, likely to use as a trap. He fixed it and the rest of us crossed.
This seems like as good a time as any to bring this up. At some point, Paulie decided he was going to start self-narrating his inner monologue. He sounded like some kind of film noir detective. Who the hell does that? Don’t look at me like that. Mine’s on paper. His was verbal. Whole different thing there.
The structure proper seemed to be made of wood scavenged from crashed ships. Some of the boards even had the ships’ nameplates still attached. And there was nary a goblin to be seen. So we snuck right in the front door.
Inside, we immediately had Geo begin scouting once more. He returned after a few minutes to tell us that he had discovered a goblin larder that had been broken into already and that the goblins in one of the watchtowers were the culprits. It seems that they had eaten too much and were now in the goblin equivalent of a Thanksgiving Day Coma. We decided to take advantage of it and kill them in their sleep.
Do you remember that scene from Lord of the Rings where the Ringwraiths surround the beds the hobbits are supposed to be asleep in and stab them all at once? It was kinda like that, only we don’t buy our armor at Villains ‘R Us. Also, it’s dramatic when someone tries to kill a hobbit. When it’s a goblin, no one cares.
Geo scouted further ahead. He entered a courtyard where some goblin dogs were frolicking. One of them spotted some of his motion and decided to investigate. Geo alerted us to the about to ensue combat and we rushed down the hall to help him. Didn’t take us long to dispatch the dogs, though my flinging of acid was once again fairly useless.
In the courtyard, we found a door boarded up. Inspection of the area revealed hoof prints. Looked like they came from a horse, but we couldn’t be sure. We decided to carefully open the door and see what was inside.
The first thing we spotted was a couple dead goblins. Beyond them, we spotted an emaciated and injured horse. I mean, it was horrible. Animal Cops horrible. If TV crews from Animal Planet showed up right now, there would be a lot of goblins getting arrested soon. We would have to settle for killing them.
It looked a bit wary about us. Aurora pulled some spare feed out of her bag and attempted to coax the poor thing out to us. Let me tell you something. I’ve seen Disney princesses who weren’t as good with animals as Aurora. The damn thing may have been wary about the rest of us, but it seemed to immediately trust her.
While Aurora fed it, the creature allowed Paulie to approach and tend to its wounds. Even with magical healing, the poor thing still looked pretty exhausted and in need of a lot of rest and good food. We sat with it for a bit, Aurora talking to it and making sure it ate slowly so as not to make itself sick, while Geo explored ahead.
He returned a few minutes later with word that he’d discovered a goblin latrine and some stairs leading down into the complex. He said that he suspected that there was more to the latrine than meets the eye and said he was going to go investigate. Paulie went with him. I told them to have fun with that. Meanwhile, we investigated another closet nearby. It was filled with caged rabbits. At Aurora’s insistence, we let them go. I was a little worried that Lenn might pick one up and start petting it, but he seemed distracted.
After a few minutes, Geo and Paulie called out to us. They had found a treasure chest in a hidden room behind the latrine. After setting off a trap and only avoiding injury thanks to his armor, Geo asked me to come burn off the lock with some acid.
Now, I wasn’t interested in searching through a smelly goblin latrine when I didn’t think anything was there. The treasure chest changed things. It was now worth enduring the stench. So I went and we quickly cracked it open.
Inside was a metric fuckton of copper coins. There was also a smaller amount of silver, gold and even a couple platinum coins. We took a bit to sort out the treasure and took everything but the copper. I was going to suggest that we offer Aurora the blue silk gown we found inside, but it kinda smelled bad, so I held my tongue.
I cleaned the stench from us with a bit of magic, then we set up more caltrops at the top of the stairs. We then headed back inside the building, leaving the horse, whose bridle had the name Shadowmist on it, to rest.
Geo headed up the next watchtower. One of the goblins spotted the opening of the trap door, so he rushed back down to us. I pulled out a scroll and placed another patch of grease at the base of the stairs and we quickly dispatched the goblins before they raised an alarm. Once again, I failed horribly at inflicting any damage upon the foes.
Up in the watchtower, we discovered that the goblins had been playing a card game with forty three random cards they had collected. I suspected it was the card game equivalent of Calvinball that they were playing.
We backtracked and one of the doors we passed led to more stairs descending into the compound. The other door opened into a barracks where a number of goblins lay sleeping. We surrounded and stabbed them again, but the narrow quarters meant a couple of them managed to wake before the deed was complete. I rushed in with my dagger and helped bring down the last one as it tried to scurry under a bed. Of course, I nearly faceplanted in the process, but I wasn’t trying to look cool, just trying to keep it from screaming.
That left us with two options, we head into a foyer that looked to lead to a large room, or we skulk down a hall near the second watchtower. We opted for skulking, as it was working for us so far. Geo snuck ahead. A few minutes later, he came rushing back. “There’s a large room ahead where some goblins appear to be entertaining one of their more important members, who is sitting on the back of a huge lizard. I think one of them saw the door open. Don’t think he saw me, but they’re likely to investigate.”
Thinking quickly, I realized that I had to give them a reason to have seen something. A reason that wouldn’t make them send up an alarm. Something they thought that they could deal with themselves.
I channeled my will into my ring and used it to cast a spell to alter my shape, assuming the form of one of the goblins we’d killed out in the thicket. Based on my knowledge of engineering and architecture, I realize that the large room he was describing was likely the one the foyer led to as well. I motioned for Aurora to set up for an ambush outside the door to the foyer and asked Lenn and Geo to prepare to one at this end of the hallway as well. Then I rushed down the hall.
Geo had opened a door leading to a horrifying butcher’s room of some sort next to the door to the large room. I quickly grabbed what I think was a haunch of horse meat and then peered into the large room. I did my best to look like I was trying not to be seen while at the same time actually trying to be seen.
It worked like a charm. The large goblin on the lizard, probably Ripnugget, chief of this tribe, shouted at me. “Stupid Birdcruncher! You steal our food and you become food! That’s the rule!” I screamed in my best impression of a goblin, which was easy since I had all the physical makeup of one, dropped the meat and ran down the hallway.
Most of the goblins who were on foot followed me at full speed. With Lenn and Geo guarding that end, it was kinda like that scene from Fargo. The one with the woodchipper. You know what I’m talking about.
Ripnugget had gone out the other entrance, where Aurora and Paulie were waiting. He was trying to cut off my escape and wasn’t expecting real resistance there. I didn’t see the beginning of that fight, but Aurora and Paulie managed to bring down the chief’s mount fairly quickly.
The warchanter ran back into the large room from the hallway. I thought he might be trying to escape, so I shouted for Lenn and Geo to follow him. Meanwhile, I rushed into the room where Aurora and Paulie were fighting a cornered Ripnugget.
Wanting to save most of my magic for our confrontation with Nualia and not wanting to accidentally douse a friend with acid, I opted to help by distracting the goblin chief while he was fighting desperately. I decided to opt for intimidation. “Ripnugget!” I shouted. “We have taken your shineys from the hidden chest! Next we take your home! Then, we take your women! When we’re done, the Thistletop goblins will be no more!”
I could see the effect upon him immediately. He wasn’t expecting my words and they certainly had an effect. Distracted and off-balance, Aurora and Paulie finished it off quickly. In the room behind me, I heard the warchanter’s song stop as Lenn and Geo cut off its escape.
We investigated the remaining surface rooms. Despite finding a desk, no books were inside. I wasn’t holding out much hope considering it was a goblin stronghold, but it would have been nice.
Paulie tended to peoples wounds while I used my magic to clean the gore off of them. We were both tending to Aurora when the strangest thing happened. He tried using his wand to cure her, but he seemed to be struggling a bit. I’m pretty sure one cast even failed completely.
I’ve seen failures like that. Back at the Arcanamirium they taught us about spell resistance, that it took extra effort to overcome. But I’ve cast dozens of spells on Aurora and never noticed her resisting my magic. It’s a bit of a riddle wrapped in an enigma. Weirdest of all, I don’t think Aurora even noticed it.
We decided to take an hour to rest up after that last major fight and get a bite to eat. We’ve returned to the courtyard with Shadowmist and are taking some time to eat some lunch before heading deeper into the compound. After wolfing down my lunch, I decided to write all this down while it was fresh in my mind. Aurora is brushing down Shadowmist and the others are chatting. Our hour is almost up and it’s about time to go find and kill Nualia. Wish us luck.
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