In the week since the goblin attack, we’ve become local celebrities. That has certainly helped us in acquiring information about the local area since people seem more willing to talk to us now. I guess that once a man has put his ass on the line to help with the local goblin problem, you’re less worried about the fact that he’s an outsider. Works for me. I enjoy killing goblins.
Aurora had decided that, after the goblin attack, she needed to keep near me even while in town. She didn’t feel it was safe for me, since the goblins could return at any moment and I have a history of problems with goblins. Pugwampis too, but she didn’t think they’d show up in the middle of town. So it was that I went about my business with an armed bodyguard everywhere I went. Wasn’t good for making money, since she could have found more security work, but since Ameiko Kaijutsu had offered us free lodging at the inn, it evened out.
We took some time to visit a local sage, a man by the name of Brodert Quink. He’s been researching the area, so Aurora and I figured that he might have some knowledge about any local Thassilonian ruins. He was rather helpful, giving us a map of ruins he knows about in the area. When we get a chance, we’ll have to check that out. He also had an interesting theory that the local lighthouse had been some kind of war machine that spewed fire over a mile away. Sounds like a laser tower to me. I made a mental note to look into that later as well.
It seems Geo and Lenn had a similar idea, because we ran into them while meeting with Brodert. He didn’t have much knowledge of local giants, so their search continues. After a bit of discussion, we’ve all decided to stick together a bit.
A runner from Belor Hemlock, the local sheriff, found us and told us that the sheriff wanted to speak with us. I made the obvious “I swear, she told me she was eighteen.” joke, but no one really got it.
When we reached the sheriff’s office, we greeted him. Well, actually, we greeted the dwarven man who had been introduced at the festival as Belor Hemlock. Turns out that wasn’t actually him. Seems they have a bit of fun at the expense of newcomers by introducing the wrong man at festivals.
The real Belor Hemlock is actually a human. Appears to be a Shoanti. Can’t really tell whether his skin is black or a dark shade of brown that would be more indicative of a person from India back home. Didn’t stop me from making the mental joke “A black sheriff? Hey, it worked in Blazing Saddles.” I did, however, refrain from calling him Achoo.
Well, it seems that someone had broken into the burial vault of some local saint, a man by the name of Ezakien Tobyn if it matters, during the goblin raid and Belor wanted our help investigating. Well, I’ve seen CSI a few times, so I figured I knew more than the locals. My suspicions were confirmed when I asked if they had dusted for fingerprints and taken DNA samples. Naturally, they had not. Now, I just needed a black light.
Outside the vault, we found footprints. Most of them were goblin footprints, but there was a set of larger indentations, about the right size for a human, though I guess it could have been a hobgoblin. We opened the vault and naturally, we found skeletons within.
I don’t mean piles of bones. I mean actual animated skeletons. It was a quick and more or less one sided fight. I don’t think anyone even got hurt. Watching that skeleton flail at Aurora pathetically was kind of amusing.
Inside the crypt, we found some discarded clothing. At first I thought it was just from some horny teenagers doing what teenagers do best, but further inspection revealed that it was a Robe of Bones. Naturally, all the patches had been torn off already. It’s likely that’s where the skeletons had come from. Probably for the best that they were all missing, since I don’t think any of us could control any undead we used the robe to summon anyway. Lenn turned the robe into a hat. A turban, to be more precise.
The bones of the saint were missing. As far as we could tell, none of the skeletons we’d just destroyed had been the reanimated saint. That was a bit disturbing. I’m not sure I want to know why goblins would want the bones. Probably to eat em, but the presence of another creature suggests it might be more than that.
On our way back, we decided to go check in with Aldern Foxglove. He had promised us some kind of reward for saving him. For the record, let me just state that I really dislike Aldern Foxglove. He’s like that kid in school that you save from a bully, leading to him following you around and telling everyone how awesome his new friend is. Then, he starts using your cred to up his own. Fuck that. But still, I like rewards.
In what seems to be becoming a pattern, someone else came to us for help. A woman, whose name was Amele, I think, came with her children in tow. Apparently her son had been complaining that goblin was living in his closet. (Evil, evil monkey!) Now her husband had gone in after the dog that had been dragged into a hole in the closet by something and she was terrified for his safety.
In the child’s room, we found the remains of a dog and a critically injured Alerghast, the husband. Paulie, who had seemed awfully bored the entire time, cast a quick healing spell on the man. I then decided to see if I could get the goblin to come out so we could deal with it.
Speaking goblin and doing my best goblin impersonation, I shouted, “Brother! You can come out now! We’ve taken the house! Quickly! They were hiding fireworks! We have to get them back to the chief!” The part about the fireworks was a stroke of genius on my part, fueled by research into their kind. If you’re going to hate something, it’s best to understand it. Hell, I can tell you the chemical formula for black widow venom if you’re ever curious.
A voice called back. “Really? We’ve taken the house?!”
“Yes! Now come help us with the fireworks!”
We heard a sound in the closet and I motioned for someone to go deal with it. Lenn walked over and pulled open the door. The goblin tried to disappear through a hole in the floor. Lenn splattered it with his axe.
The man was still injured, so I gave Geo my surgery kit and had him tend to the man’s remaining wounds. Once that was done, we called in the woman. She was relieved. Lenn tried to console the kid over the loss of his dog. His words, and I quote:
“When I was young my dog died. We ate him.”
Aurora looked horrified. She had lost a beloved dog around that age too. Geo had Lenn take the dog outside, where we gave it a proper dog burial. Well, okay, so we were missing the cardboard box. But you know what I mean.
We headed to the inn to see Aldern Foxglove. As much as I dislike him, Aurora seems to dislike him even more. She asked to be excused to go check on Starbrite, figuring that I’d be safe enough if I stuck with Lenn and Geo. I told her that she didn’t need me to excuse her, but that I understood.
That pompous idiot was waiting for us at the inn. He had this grand idea to go boar hunting. Since I can’t really put sarcasm into my words on paper, go back to the last sentence and read it in a tone dripping with sarcasm. Anyway, I wanted that reward and had never been boar hunting, so I was fine with going along. Well, okay, I had some reservations after he said we’d be hunting boar in the Tickwood.
Since I’m pretty sure it didn’t get its name from a boisterous idiot superhero in form fitting blue spandex, my skin crawled at the thought of ticks crawling all over me. When I raised my objections, Aldern assured me that the ticks the woods were name for were the size of small dogs or even larger.
You know, that shouldn’t have made me feel better. Yet somehow, it did. I mean, I can see those coming and throw globs of acid at them. The little ones I might not even notice. I think I’ve been on this world too long, for something like that to make me feel better. Ten years ago, if you had told me that, I would have been horrified.
I went and told Aurora about the hunt. I also told her that she was free to skip it if she really didn’t want to be near that guy, but she shook her head. “I’ll be fine,” she said. “He might not, but I will be.”
I started practicing my lie in my head for the possibility that Aurora might kill the guy. “I swear,” I said under my breath, practicing my most truthful face. “Swarm of giant ticks came out of nowhere while we were focused on taking down the boar. We turned around and he was dead. Oh, you want to know about the slashing wound? Umm…dire lycanthropic ticks. They were Indians who turn into wolves. Beware the wolfen, for he will cut you with his razor.” Oh god. We were going to jail if she killed him.
We headed out. Aldern rode a horse almost as pompous as him. As we traveled, he started asking me questions. “Tell me more about killing goblins. Any tips?”
I drew my dagger. “It’s simple, really. The pointy end goes in the goblin.” He kept asking me other questions. I kept finding ways to say “The pointy end goes in the goblin.” while waving my dagger. Eventually he went to bug Geo. I winked at Aurora. She stifled a giggle. Booyah.
We eventually found a boar trail, which we followed to a nesting site, or maybe it was a lair. I’m not sure what you’d call it. Anyway, whatever it was, the boar wasn’t there. We readied ourselves, knowing that these things are territorial and would show up soon. Lenn peed on the nest. I’m not sure if he was doing it to draw out the boar or just had to go and wasn’t thinking of it.
When the boar came, it was as large as Paulie’s yak. It charged Lenn, who was closest, and missed with its tusk. I cast a spell to enfeeble it a bit. Aurora told Geo to clear a path. The alchemist did so, then fired at the boar with his bow. Lenn struck the boar with a solid strike from his axe.
Aurora and Starbrite charged at the boar. As a battlecry, she shouted, “Come at me, Boar!” I damn near laughed myself silly. Apparently some of the things I’ve told her about home are starting to rub off on her.
Just as Aurora swung her blade, Starbrite decided to bite the foe. This shifted his stance just enough that Aurora’s attack missed. The bite drew blood, though. So that was cool. Also, kind of comical now that I think about it.
Pissed at how much Lenn had hurt it, the boar gored him. I could have sworn I saw part of his lung sticking out of his chest, but surely I was imagining things. A second strike from Lenn ended it.
We returned to the inn and asked Ameiko to cook the thing up for us. As big as it was, we were also happy to share it with the other patrons. I mean, it’s only fair since we’re not paying for lodging. After our Innkeep disappeared into the kitchen with the prize, Aldern began telling anyone who would listen tall tales about how he had slain the boar with the help of the goblin slaying heroes. Truthfully, he hadn’t even fired a shot. It was pretty pathetic. But I decided against exposing his lies. If it makes him feel better, then so be it. I just wanna get paid, yo.
After a bit, an older man looking to be of Tian descent stormed into the inn. He demanded to speak to his daughter. Lenn took a liking to the man. He walked over and began shouting back at the man, seeming to think it was a game. To anyone else, it would have looked like the big guy was trying to intimidate the man, but I’ve been around him long enough to suspect that he really was just behaving like an over-excited rottweiler.
The man took offense at Lenn’s approach and began disparaging us as a whole. I don’t recall exactly what he said, but it was to the effect of us being vagrants and shiftless. Aurora took offense. After all, she was the daughter of a noble house, even if that house had been more or less demolished thanks to her father’s debts. And I was the scion of another noble house. What I’m saying is that we had some measure of respectability beyond just killing goblins.
While it didn’t really bother me, Aurora was another matter. She shouted against him something to the effect of “How dare you speak of us in that manner. Take back your words or I will force you to take them back.” The man just sneered and tempted fate by repeating what he had said. Well, crap.
I commanded Aurora to stay her blade, as I was pretty sure Ameiko wouldn’t want someone killing her father. Well, I wasn’t absolutely certain that he was her father, but it’s not exactly like the place was swarming with Tian. I rushed into the kitchen and warned Ameiko of the impending violence.
Ameiko came out and confirmed my suspicions, then she and the old man began arguing in a language I recognized as Minkaian, having encountered it once or twice before in Absalom. I made a mental note to have Chadwick send me a Taldan/Minkaian dictionary next time I contacted him. In the meantime, I went ahead and quietly cast a spell to allow me to understand what they were saying. Seems he was leaving town and demanding that she go with him. She refused.
The old man then shouted in Taldan. “You’re dead to me, just like your mother!” Ameiko struck him with the ladle she was still carrying, sloshing broth all over his head.
Lenn licked the old man and said, “You taste delicious.” The old man fled.
After a moment of stunned silence, Ameiko said “Well, I guess I have to go wash this ladle. Jackass isn’t on the menu tonight.” The patrons chuckled at her joke and she went back to the kitchen. My eyes darted to Aurora, who seemed to now have a great respect for this woman. I can’t blame her. Ameiko’s life sounds to have been almost as harsh as Aurora’s, though Aurora never got to stand up to her father. Even more amazing considering the young Minkan woman appeared to only be around eighteen or nineteen.
I considered buying that ladle from Ameiko as a gift for Aurora, but decided that would probably be in bad taste. The rest of the night was fairly boring, and I think everyone was glad when Aldern went back to trying to capture everyone’s attention with his tall tales. Aurora and I sat in a corner playing cards, hoping he’d leave us alone. While playing, I overheard some other patrons discussing rumors that Ameiko’s father may have killed her mother. I filed it away for future reference.
That night, I had a strange dream. Well, it was a memory of a movie I watched long ago. V for Vendetta, in case you’re wondering. Detective Finch was talking to his friend(partner?) Dominic.
“The problem is, he knows us better than we know ourselves. That’s why I went to Larkhill, last night,” Finch said.
“But that’s outside quarantine,” Dominic replied.
“I had to see it. There wasn’t much left. But when I was there it was strange. I suddenly had this feeling that everything was connected. It’s like I could see the whole thing, one long chain of events that stretched all the way back before Larkhill. I felt like I could see everything that happened, and everything that is going to happen. It was like a perfect pattern, laid out in front of me. And I realized we’re all part of it, and all trapped by it.”
“So do you know what’s gonna happen?”
“No, it was a feeling. But I can guess. With so much chaos, someone will do something stupid. And when they do, things will turn nasty. And then Sutler will be forced to do the only thing he knows how to do. At which point, all V needs to do is keep his word. And then…”
I saw all the images that go along with that scene, but mostly it was the dominoes that I recall. I awoke and sat up in bed. I wondered. Were events moving inexorably towards some end? Was that end planned by a single entity? Something was beginning to smell rotten. Things weren’t adding up. Or maybe they were, in a strange and scary way.
Too many coincidences. This “Late Unpleasantness” that no one would talk to us about. The goblin attack, which was apparently a cover for stealing the bones of a saint. Ameiko’s fight with her father. None of it added up for me. I was missing details. I suddenly found myself recalling Yeats.
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
No. Things couldn’t be that bad around here. “Remember, remember, the fifth of November,” I said softly, with a bit of a sense of irony. Across the room, I heard Aurora stir. By the dim light coming in through the window, I could see her sit up in her bed. “Don’t worry about it,” I said. “Just thinking aloud. Go back to sleep.”
I laid back down as well and thought for a bit longer. Perhaps I was just being paranoid. I was seeing phantoms where there were none. Yeah, that had to be it. I closed my eyes and slept once more.
The next morning, we were called in to speak with a woman by the name of Shalelu Andosana, a good looking blond elf with the eyes of a hunter. Apparently she was renowned around here as a goblin slayer. Belor wanted her to get us up to speed on the local goblin situation.
First of all, the goblins were acting more organized than usual. So far, that had only resulted in the attack on Sandpoint and the destruction of a farm or maybe two. But it did not bode well for the future. Usually, the five goblin tribes keep each other in check through territorial violence. The fact that they were working together, even on a rudimentary level, suggested that someone was likely organizing them. I could see dominoes begin stacking in my head.
Second, the most likely suspect in the organizing of the goblins was one of the well-known goblin heroes. They had names like Big Gugmut, Vorka, Ripnugget and Rendwattle Gutwad. Gods I hope that it’s simply one of them pulling the strings. It would be simple enough to kill enough goblins to demoralize those that remain into submission. I asked Shalelu what would happen if we managed to kill some of the heroes. She said that it would likely demoralize the tribes. Well, that was going to be plan A. I couldn’t do my research if the town was under goblin danger, so let’s deal with this in the fastest manner possible.
Third, apparently the goblins knew of us. We’d made an impression. Crap.
Sheriff Belor said that he was going to take some of his men and head to Magnimar with the hope that they would be able to get further assistance. Hell, that would be even better. With enough troops, we could wipe out the threat to the area once and for all. I mean, I’m normally not all about genocide, but these are goblins we’re talking about. We’ll call that Plan Zero. The ultimate plan, but it hinges on us getting further resources.
I suggested that whatever we do, we should start preparing for the possibility of another goblin attack. I asked if they had any resources we could use to start quietly crafting armor for the townsfolk and perhaps some alchemical weapons, like liquid ice. There wasn’t much, but I was able to secure enough to make some leather gear for at least a few people. With no further questions, we set off to begin secretly preparing the town.
Later that morning, as I was working, a young woman approached me. She was somewhere between “July twelfth on a three hundred sixty five day bikini calendar” and “pin up girl on the side of a World War Two plane” on the attractiveness scale. And she looked distressed. She even had that lower lip quiver thing going. Naturally I was going to help her.
She introduced herself as Shayliss Vinder. I recognized the last name as being the same as that of the owner of the general store, Ven Vinder. She told me that the cellar of the general store had a bit of a rat problem. Giant rats. I immediately began thinking of Princess Bride.
She also told me that her father didn’t believe her. Well that just wouldn’t stand. I told her that I would gather my friends and we would handle the rat problem immediately. She then told me that it needed to be taken care of before her father got back, as he wouldn’t allow anyone in the cellar to deal with it.
That was no problem. Aurora was nearby and we could get her and be on our way in half a minute. Shayliss insisted that we go alone, giving me some kind of pouty look. That’s when gears in my head started turning. There was no rat problem. Either she wanted me alone for certain things that happen between men and women when they’re alone, or she wanted me alone so she could kill me for some nefarious purpose. Could she be behind the goblin attacks? Was it her footprints at the vault?
I began weighing odds. I mean, what were the odds that she was the mastermind behind everything, quietly setting up all the dominoes? Then again, I had just had that dream. What if it had been a prophetic warning? Could I really take that chance?
And if I did, and things turned out benign, what would Aurora think if she found out? I mean, I have feelings for her, but I have no idea how she feels about me. For all I know, I’ve already been friend zoned. Could I really turn down a sure thing in hopes of something better down the line when there was already so much uncertainty?
In the end, I could. The combined worry about my potential murder and upsetting Aurora was enough that I couldn’t take the risk. Even if it had been almost a year since the last time I spent any time naked with a woman.
So I continued to play dumb. I insisted that we get Aurora as it would be the only way to be sure that we would come to no harm dealing with the rats. Shayliss stormed off, infuriated. Hopefully she’ll just laugh at how stupid I was later instead of holding a grudge.
I began looking into Shayliss, curious about what her reputation around town said about what her intentions had been. It seems that her older sister had quite the reputation. I believe the expression is “the town bicycle”. It also seems that Shayliss was working on a reputation of her own. Even more brazen than her sister, though perhaps a bit more discreet. Likely because she knew that if her father caught her, then that would be the end of her fun.
Well, crap. I had missed out. Dammit. I mean, it’s been almost a year, and she was smoking hot. And before you start thinking that I had to worry about disease, you have to remember that a reasonably decent cleric would have no trouble dealing with the issue with a bit of magic. Worst case scenario, I’d make a side trip to Magnimar and pay somewhere between one hundred and two hundred gold as a donation to a church, and boom, free and clear.
The only real worry I had left was that somehow her father would find out. Like I’ve ever let that stop me before. My exploits were legendary back in Absalom. Especially that time with the daughter of the Chelish ambassador.
All the noble families had been invited to a costume ball at the embassy. Ours was no different. It was like the masquerade balls you see in a lot of movies about old France and such. Fancy clothes and elaborate masks covering one’s eyes. Of course, I went with the full intention of seducing some lovely young woman. Chadwick and I made a game of it. See who would leave with the most beautiful woman.
I danced with several young ladies before finally settling on the one I would focus my attention on. At that point, I didn’t know who she was. I didn’t really realize it until we snuck off upstairs. I carefully barred the door and we got to doing what we had snuck away to do.
No sooner had we finished than I heard a banging at the door. The girl’s father was shouting through the door, demanding that we open it. I quickly pulled on my pants and boots, then looked out the window. We were on the fourth floor. Well, let’s not say I came unprepared. I put on my coat, shirt and mask and heard the door begin to splinter. I grabbed the girl for one more passionate kiss and flung open the window.
What happens next would have been epic, had it worked. I threw out a couple flasks of impact foam, just in case it didn’t work, then pulled out a spider sac, a type of fungus filled with an adhesive that hardens quickly when exposed to air.
Just as the door exploded open, I leapt out the window and spun in midair, aiming the spider sac at the wall I was fleeing. I may have also been humming the Spiderman theme as I fired the spider sac at the wall of the building I had just left. Can you blame me?
The stream of glue didn’t quite reach the wall in time for me to slow my fall, so I landed on the impact foam at near full force. I heard a sickening crunch as the ulna in my left arm snapped. The pain was almost unbearable. I lay on the ground for a full few seconds just gasping in agony.
Of course, the young woman I had just deflowered had a room facing the outer patio, which was visible from the ballroom through the great doors that opened onto a veranda adjacent to the patio. So most of the guests inside saw me fall.
I got to my feet after hearing the ambassador shouting at me from the girl’s window. I bowed with a flourish to the astonished onlookers. When I looked back up, the ambassador was gone and the girl, covering herself with a sheet for modesty was looking out. I blew her a kiss, stole a nearby horse and rode out into the city. I quickly splinted my broken arm and hid the splint with a change of clothing and bit of magic, then snuck back into the party before the guards could realize who was missing. I nearly passed out several times that night from the pain, but was fine after a visit to a discreet healer I knew the next morning. Within a week, the tale had become legendary.
But what really cemented the legend was how I went back two days later while the ambassador was gone and spent the entire afternoon with the girl. Once again I had to flee the scene, but this time I was more prepared and escaped unscathed. I wouldn’t suggest trying to glide off the roof of a house while being chased by guards, but dammit it makes for an epic sight. Too bad I had to return that Portable Hole I’d used to carry it with me to Chadwick after that.
What I’m saying is that dammit, I had missed out on a fine piece of ass, since there wasn’t anything that should have stopped me other than my lack of surety about how Aurora feels.
Anyway, after Shayliss left and I told the others about the encounter, leaving off how disappointed I was, we were approached by the maid from the Rusty Dragon, a hafling woman by the name of Bethana Corwin. She looked upset. All I could think about was that medical textbook in with my gear. The one with all the anatomical drawings and illustrations of various diseases. To the untrained eye, it would look like smut.
“That book isn’t what it looks like. It’s a medical text, I swear.”
She just looked at me funny. “What you read on your own time is your business. That’s not why I’m here. I haven’t seen Ameiko since last night, and I’m really worried about her. She’s not answering any knocks at her door. When I peeked in, she wasn’t there. That’s not like her. Please help me find her.”
We went back to the inn and checked Ameiko’s room for clues. We found a note written in Minkaian. I was about to cast a spell to allow me to read it when Bethana began translating it for us. The note was from Ameiko’s half-brother, Tsuto. We had heard the rumors about the family, so we knew a bit about him.
His note asked Ameiko to meet him at the Glassworks. It said he had proof that her father had killed their mother. She was supposed to meet him late last night. The fact that she hadn’t returned by now was indeed truly worrying. We had to go to the Glassworks and see if we could find out why she hadn’t returned. I suddenly began seeing dominoes getting set up again.
Crap.
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